Following

One of the questions I am often asked is "What makes a good follow?" in social partner dancing. Then, there's also the follow-up: "How do you teach someone to be a good follow?".

There are two core things that I believe to be true for ANY role in the partner dance. I believe that social partner dancing is a way to express what one hears in the music with someone else. For me, the beauty and joy of partner dancing is at its best when the partnership is something that both dancers can enjoy.

1) Understand the rules of the dance and the music. The music drives the dance and different dances have conventions that need to be understood. There's no escaping that you have to understand the music and the dance together. By conventions I refer to things that are foundations like the step pattern if there is one, how to step and move and engage with your partner.

2) Understand my body and how it moves. As a dancer my body is what I use to express, respond and connect in the dance. In order to use it well, I have to know what I can do to move with balance, grace and in the partnership with someone else. To develop this understanding, it means I have to explore different kinds of movement to different kinds of music.

As anyone hooked on dancing will attest to, one can spend a lifetime learning and perfecting these core tenants. This is another reason I love dancing, the process of learning and growing never really ends.

One final ingredient is your mindset.

Here's mine:

I aspire to make every dance I dance as enjoyable as possible with the person I dance with. 

This doesn't mean that I sacrifice myself at the expense of my partner. It does mean that I have an equal say in the dance to make it as fun as possible.

Given that I am already working on the core things above, here are some three main skills that I constantly work on to perfect my following:

LISTEN  - I listen to the music so I can understand what my lead hears in the song. I listen to how my lead moves and "hear" his expression of the  music through his dancing. I develop radars everywhere using my eyes, my limbs etc.

For example, in Kizomba: I pay attention to how my lead steps and moves. What are the signals I can use to know that the step is slow, at tempo, faster. What is the indication for me to turn?  Every step is a new step so I focus on how to understand the different ways my partner is stepping.

In other dances, I look at my partner's body and arm position. There are many other subtle clues to what's coming next and the more I dance and the more I dance with different people, the better I get at reading the signs early so I can be ready to respond and eventually respond with time to play (see Express below). 

MATCH - I do my best to match and flow of his movement while still maintaining my own balance: equal to what my lead is suggesting/asking. When there is too much resistance or not enough connection - I know that something is off so I try to adjust: its not a fight - its a flow. 

Matching sometimes means that I hold off on styling to make sure that I continue the flow that my lead has initiated. Matching also means that sometimes, I mimic what my lead is doing, or pick up partway and make a variation of my own. I counter or change time or move in contrast to something he just did.

Matching also means using the same force and energy that I am led with to complete my movements. It become a cycle while the music plays: energy and movement is absorbed, transformed and then sent back between the partners in the social dance.

EXPRESS - I keep my presence known so that my lead knows that I'm dancing with them to the music. Sometimes that means I yield to the lead's musicality and expression because we're in sync anyway, sometimes it means I suggest something without interrupting their flow. Oftentimes its a combination.

Expression is where I get to be who I am in the partnership and it is where I can share what I hear in the music with my partner. It is where I can do one or more of these things to make the dance I have as much fun as can be, to inspire, complement, enhance or expand the experience for myself and my dance partner.

CHALLENGES
Its only three points but there's a lot within each one and if you keep thinking about all of them at once, well, your brain might explode and your body just freeze with too much to do. There are also so many teachers and helpful souls out there that want to give you advice. Just remember that you know yourself best and give yourself space to learn, absorb, apply and integrate.

Challenges can drive you but they can also discourage you and depending on where you're at in your learning cycle and confidence, it can easily cause you to want to stop dancing. Don't let it. What I recommend is:
1) Have an open mind and be patient. You know the deal, Rome wasn't built in a day right?
2) Be true to yourself and what it is you love about the dance. Its easy to get swayed by other people. This is after all an activity that is very extroverted and feedback from others is always around whether you want it or not. Not all dances will be fun and some of the people you will meet are definitely not your type. When in doubt, look to yourself for validation and find your support system and the people that care about you for help. Don't let some jerk or negative experience define what you do or trap you into something that makes you miserable.
4) Take a break and come back to it when you need. Sometimes, you just need to reset so reset! Dance will always be there and being welcomed back after a long absence can be a very much needed boost to a tired or weary demeanor.

IN THE END ...
My experience with learning is that each of these things are like layers: when one layer becomes so much a part of you that you don't have to think about it anymore, then another layer comes into focus OR you have time to perfect the next layer. Also, as you learn and your sensors and movements become second nature, you're instincts will take over and then BAM! more magic happens.

What I love about following is the I have last word in the interaction and I can influence the next move. I love that as a follow I an open up possibilities for my lead in the dance, whatever level they might be. What I love about partner dancing is when my lead and I are on the same wavelength with what we hear in the music and that we can be ourselves while appreciating and inspiring each other in the dance. 

Doing What You Love Isn't Always Warm and Fuzzy

The common romantic belief about following one's bliss is that the life you lead will be full and filled with goodness. I embarked on my journey three years ago and its been quite a ride.To start, I planned on a few months of just doing nothing in particular. (By the way, doing nothing in particular is a LOT of fun and I highly recommend it.) Certain unforeseen events got me side-tracked for two years after that. I then had some re-adjusting to do and now finally, I'm back on the follow-my-bliss path: more or less.

You know what they say about the best laid plans going astray? Well, it turns out, even plans that are barely laid out do the same.

I've been leaning and growing and reviewing my accomplishments to date. I realized that none of what I achieved was what I had originally planned on. When I found Kizomba, I was already deep into dance and I wanted to use dance as a way to get people more connected with themselves and each other. Kizomba fits in really nicely with that. I also wanted to pursue teaching and coaching as part of my bliss. I had these ideas of building a Creative Lab Space for adults: much like what children have after school - filled with arts and so many other activities that are fun, engaging and something that one might not typically do as an adult because things like careers, school, family and life in general just gets in the way.

A midst the unforeseen circumstances, one such by-product is that I've been instrumental in building a small and still thriving dance scene simply because I wanted more people to dance with. I already invest a lot of time in dancing so I set out to find out more about the dance myself so I could teach others. Instead of travelling the world to learn, I brought some really wonderful instructors here to Seattle instead. So while I haven't really gotten that close to what  I thought I was going to do, I'm still happy with where things are. My experiences have been very rich: both good and bad.

These past few months however, I suffered from a crisis of faith in the pursuit of my bliss. My thoughts aren't all that cohesive yet but at least I'm motivated to write about it. I thought it would be good to share some of my insights into this thing people call "following your bliss".

 1) A Brave New World
Since I started to call myself "fun-employed" I've discovered that there are parts of me that are still learning about what I truly want from life. Its been interesting to separate the things that I thought I wanted from the things I truly want. There's not always a one to one ratio for that either. When I discover that something I thought I wanted or needed was really not mine - mostly like something I learned from my parents or the culture I grew up in - its not like there is a corresponding "OK, this is what I do want" that pops up immediately. Most of the time, I have to figure that out. So all that figuring out can be tiring and taxing and disappointing.

Doing something fun is not necessarily the same thing as doing something you are passionate about. I find a LOT of things fun and sifting through those fun things to figure out what really drives me isn't  easy.

 About 20 years ago, I worked with a career coach to find that thing that I could be passionate about and focus on since I found myself unhappy with the job that I was in. He concluded that I have a rare challenge. He said that because I am good at many things, I don't have one thing that drives me. As a consequence, traditional jobs will not satisfy me and to be truly happy, I will eventually have to craft my own job. Its an exciting prospect, but there isn't really anyone to follow or a template that I can use to give me guidance on where to start or even a measurement of whether I've achieved success or not. That's the price of making something up. The good thing is also the bad thing: there's no one to say what's right or wrong except for myself.

 2) Doing What You Love Might Become Overbearing
I am engaged in teaching and learning dance because dance has helped me in so many ways and I believe it can help others just as much. I get feedback that I am helping others all the time. But, recently, I've also realized that, in the sea of people that I know, I sometimes feel all alone.

I made it a practice to be actively grateful and this has been invaluable for me (I highly recommend it). There are times though, when the challenges I face and the people around me are simply too much to deal with. At their worst, I want to just hide in a shell or wish everything bad to go away or dream that someone will just make all those worries go away.

I do know that that someone is me (with some support from friends and family).

This is not the same thing as getting sick and tired of something and that doing what I do for fun as a job has made it less fun. I still love what I do. Its just when its consumes me both good and bad, its quite a lot to deal with. Which brings me to my next point: Support System and Balance

3) Support System and Balance
Somehow, my mind concluded that if I were pursuing my bliss, there would be no need to pay attention to balance because I would be blissful right? Well, not entirely.

The execution and day to day workings of all of the above take its toll and I do have to think about balance and support. I am blessed to have family and friends that I can count on. They love me and accept me for exactly what I am and they don't pull punches. They know when to just be there and they know how to push me forward if I need it.

 I'm also blessed to have encountered people that have given me inspiration, new ideas and encouragement in the most unexpected ways. I think of it as validation from the universe that I'm doing well.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that even though I'm doing what most people might only dream of trying, it still takes energy and it still requires a support system and balance. Definitely. Don't go at it alone and always find ways to recharge and stay excited about what you do.

4) And the Money Just Follows
No, not really.

 There's work to be done unless you're a trust fund baby, unexpectedly win the lottery, find a sugar-person that just wants to fund you as you live your life... you get my drift. I'm still working on defining my product and what I have to offer. Then, there's finding the audience that will compensate me for it and building the message to attract them and keep them with me.

While these things are common sense, they take time: trial and error, a little bit of luck and good timing.

5) Get To Know You
In the end, it boils down to me. Whether I'm doing that traditional career path that I learned from my upbringing or following my bliss, the buck stops here, with me.

When setting on the path to finding your bliss, it helps to have some awareness of you who are. Its not just about knowing what's fun and what makes you happy. Its also knowing what you value, what you stand for, what you can live with, what makes you feel joy and what you just don't want in your  life.

I had a pretty good idea of all these things when I started but the experiences I've had over the last three years have definitely tested the conviction behind my beliefs and actions. There are things that I have done to the best of my abilities that did not have a pretty ending. Imagine a scenario that tests your values and you don't even know what they are. Its takes time to figure out what you value and then time to put it through the wringer. Doing both at the same time can be exhausting.

So before you embark on your path to bliss, just make sure you do some homework about yourself.

Intimacy and Social Dancing

There's a very fine line dividing a beautiful sensual dance from a crass distasteful one.

This question has come up a lot in my discussions with fellow dancers so I thought I'd share my thoughts on it.

Just how close is too close when dancing? When do you cross over from being tastefully sensual to being overtly crass?

Let's start by breaking down each word: Intimate Social Dancing

INTIMATE: By definition, intimate is an adjective that characterizes a close or warm personal relationship or a friendly, warm atmosphere.

SOCIAL: Implies a community; a group of people interacting together, enjoying friendly companionship and having a good time. There is an sense of openness in that everyone is welcome to participate.

DANCING: Is an activity that one actively engages in: a series of rhythmical steps with body motions in time with music.

Social dancing is an activity that embodies the interaction between 2 people (usually a guy and a girl or a lead and a follow) which involves music and movement: engaging body, mind, spirit, and feeling. It is personal, intimate, communicative, social and public all at the same time. It is also creative, spontaneous, individuals dancing in response to each other with a structure and convention framed around it. Leads initiate and follows respond and enhance what the leads initiate.

In my view, all social dancing has some level of intimacy because of the connection that is established between the lead and follow to the music. That unspoken communication is a form of intimacy on it's own. There are certainly some dances that require closer physical contact than others, and that’s where all the “fun” begins.

I often get asked how I feel about dancing in a close embrace: for example, during a bachata moderna or when I'm dancing the blues. My answer is pretty simple. There are many styles of dance and if close embrace is part of the dance style that’s how it should be danced: that close embrace is part of the appeal and one the reasons I enjoy dancing.

I love learning different forms of dancing – the variety in the steps and interaction with my lead allow me to express myself freely within the context of the music that we dance to. For me, an intimate dance, requiring closer physical contact has a strong appeal. Dances like Tango (I’m still a beginner), Kizomba, Blues and Bachata allow for a closer connection where I can experience the warmth of an embrace with another person: I close my eyes and the rest of the dance unfolds like magic.

Here’s the key to the “magic” of being able to enjoy the dance without crossing the line:

Both parties are there because they enjoy and respect the intimacy of the dance.

Translation: [pardon the directness] you’re not there to pick up some random person and get laid! You’re there for Intimate Social Dancing.

I’m not going to pretend that this type of dancing doesn’t lend itself to a different kind of intimacy off the dance floor: of course it can! I have many friends who’ve expressed that one of the biggest attractions is how enjoyable that close physical proximity is when dancing with someone of the opposite sex (not to mention the “thrill” if said someone is the object of one’s dance crush – oo-la-la!) On the dance floor however, it’s still a social (as in community) activity and one must be respectful of the people one interacts with on the dance floor and during the dance. That’s why there is some structure on how the dance is danced: even a dance as loose as the blues, still has the basic foundation in that lead-follow connection.

Everyone has different definitions for their personal boundaries and space. There are different degrees of close embrace. As a lead, one should understand that and respect what the follow you’re dancing with is willing to allow. That just comes with the territory. If you’re not sure about how someone will react when you first dance with them, just observe them dancing before you ask – “look before you leap” as it were.

Now, there are many occasions where this close contact can have very different results so I’m addressing those occasions in the form of Q&A. These have been collected from various conversations I’ve had with fellow dancers. Not all the answers are my own – many of them are compilations of responses that were shared during those discussions. Hopefully they help you answer your own questions and at the very least provide you with some entertainment along the way.

“I just don’t want to come across as “that creepy” guy when I’m dancing – how do I do that when I’m getting that close to someone I’m dancing with for the 1st time?”

It’s all about approach and intent. People give off a different energy when they are approaching with “shall we dance?” versus “I want to get in your pants!”. If you approach like a gentleman with respect and admiration, that’s always a good start. Just because that dance requires you to get close, doesn’t mean you have to start close right away. Take advantage of the introduction and ease into the close embrace. The lady or follow will tell you when it’s close enough. You should feel her relax into your lead and off you go.

I would also suggest that leads learn about the different styles of close embrace by taking a Tango or Blues class. There are ways to approach your partner so that it’s not an “in your face” or intimidating approach. Little things like open by inviting and then slowly closing the embrace will help.

“What if she/he just doesn’t want to be that close?”

Remember respect? It comes with the territory – everyone has different space boundaries and don’t force yours on who you’re dancing with: it’s just one song, one dance. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to dance with this person again afterward. In the meantime, be polite and handle it with grace and poise.

“What if I physically feel something from my lead that’s telling me he’s a little turned on by the dance?”

Let’s face it – this is an “occupational hazard”. I mean how can you not get turned on when you’re dancing with someone hot, to this wonderful music and the whole time you’re in a close physical embrace? I’m so lucky to be a woman because at least the physical manifestation of being turned on is not as obvious as a man’s. Here is definitely a moment where the line might get crossed.

The underlying assumption must be true: both parties are there to enjoy and respect each other and the dancing. Here’s some suggestions on how to gracefully handle the situation:

For the lead: perhaps adjust the closeness of the embrace until things subside a little so that it’s not so obvious. Your close embrace can be offset enough for you to maintain the close contact. You don’t have to say anything or make it a big deal. If you have the gift for just the right touch of humor for the occasion – a small smile or shrug to lighten the mood then that might help. Just remember “occupational hazard” and focus on the dance.

For the follow: remember “occupational hazard”, if you trust the intent of your lead, then don’t make it an issue. I tend to just ignore it and if my lead makes the appropriate adjustments, the dance continues and nothing more needs to be said. If my lead does say something to apologize, I’ll acknowledge it lightly as well.

NOW, if the lead does not adjust and the follow is uncomfortable, then follows – by all means, apply some “defensive” dancing maneuvers to distance yourself from your lead and remember that the dance doesn’t last forever.

Finally, if it really is uncomfortable for you, then either party should be able to excuse yourself from the dance – politely – and part ways.

“Oops, my hand accidentally brushed against (insert sensitive body part here)! What do I do?”

Same as above. It's an “occupational hazard” even in the not so close social dances. So. handle it with light humor (if you can), poise and grace - don't make it a big deal unless that line is really crossed. If someone is feeling you up and you're not cool with it or the touch/contact is uncomfortable for you, you're well within your rights to step away. You can just tell them you have to excuse yourself and leave.

“Wow! That really was a woozy of a dance… hand me a cigarette – please!”

Let’s face it folks – this is a high like no other really so why not enjoy it? Intimate Social Dancing is one big flirt fest and a celebration of how fun the interaction between the sexes can be.

One last word of advice:
If you feel like there’s something extra special beyond the dance, make sure you wait before acting on it. I think there are times when the “dance high” can be confusing and it can take a while for that to subside. Save yourself some drama.

If you have intentions to get to know a person beyond the dancing, it might be best to approach gently on the side with some small conversation and then setup a different time to pursue something off the social dance floor.

Don't let your dance high carry you away to never never land as far as relationships go. I never assume that someone is interested beyond the dancing unless he makes a definite move to get to know me off the dance floor. I'm excited for those opportunities to get to know someone off the dance floor, especially if there's already a strong dance connection. I mean what girl wouldn't want a leading man in her life that can literally sweep her off her feet?

What Now?

I hit a point in my dancing progression where I've asked myself  "what now?"

There are many stages to learning and some academics may even have their own models for the different stages.What I'm writing here are the stages that I went through and where I currently am almost 3 years into salsa dancing.

This progression may sound familiar - I  think that everyone goes through some form of these stages though its possible that the order may be different. Anyway, I'm writing to share and maybe help other folks who might find themselves in the "What Now?" predicament - something that can happen several times in one's dance progressions.

Beginner: Unsure but interested; having fun with the dance but not sure enough to go out dancing beyond the classroom. You're just starting and are enrolled in some sort of beginner class. You've decided to try salsa dancing for one, some or all of these reasons: your friend dragged you out, the newness is fun, the social part is fun, there maybe some attractive people in class you'd like to get to know more (instructor not excluded), its something active to do, you've always wanted to try it because it looks fun/cool.


Advanced Beginner: Its been anywhere from 2-6 months since you've started and you've gone through a few of the beginner series and have a little bit of an arsenal to play with for dancing. You may have even started to take lessons from other instructors (oh yes, there are many out there!) You're getting to know your classmates and are maybe starting to go out social dancing at least once a week.


JUNCTURE: At this point some people fall off for one reason or another: it was fun but you're not willing to spend more time to get better; you met someone and their into something else; its not floating your boat any more; you've had some bad dance experiences and have been turned off; other stuff in your life just is more important.



Intermediate: You've "graduated"! You're about  year into dancing and someone said that you're good enough to make the leap to intermediate! You're more confident, know more moves, you're actually out social dancing 2, maybe 3 times a week and are starting to notice what the more advanced dancers are doing. you pick out your favorites as you watch them and think to yourself - "I want to dance like that!"

JUNCTURE: At this point you either become a total addict, or you decide that perhaps its time to back off a little bit and focus on something else. Basically, if you've caught the bug, you're hooked and booked! You'll find yourself dancing almost everyday, taking lessons from 1 or more teachers, attending salsa congresses, talking about dancing and hanging out with dancers all the time.

Advanced Intermediate: About a year and a half close to the 2 year mark you find yourself at another weird spot. You know enough to know that there's a LOT you still have to learn. You're all of a sudden finding that all you ever do in your free time is dance - yes, you are now officially a salsaholic. If you're still stuck in the taking classes mode and haven't gone out dancing then you're not really addicted yet and should really consider social dancing more. You're probably contemplating the next congress or 2 and even starting to branch out and try venues outside your established comfort zones.

JUNCTURE: For me, this was a key juncture. I was starting to wonder how long it would take me to "get better" to the point where I would be happy with my dancing. I was a bit frustrated because I didn't think I could ever look like these professionals who were so polished and precise. I took myself away from the dancing scene I did know and vacationed in Oaxaca and learned from someone new. I met some great people and the instructor I learned from had a style I could relate to (and some advice from an ex) I was re-energized! I hit a new stride and my dance confidence went WAAAAAAY up. [This is KEY by the was, the confidence going up... it really changes your dance, and for the better!]  I decided that I didn't have to look like anyone else, I should just be me! I wanted to be the best follow I could be while social dancing and all of a sudden, all my doubts disappeared, I found my own style and got great feedback and started to really enjoy the dance. I'm able to turn off my own self-critic, still be open to learning and incorporate all the other dances that I knew about into salsa.

Advanced: All that dancing got you here :) Its likely to be going on year 3 to 5. You've established a routine of your favorite places to go and are getting more play time with the folks you've been watching and looking up to. You're still taking some lessons and likely going to congresses. You're friends list in facebook has grown because of all your new dancer friends. Its weird (but nice) when this happens but you're likely to now be the one that people want to dance like. You're dance card is always full and when you go to your familiar haunts, there's always someone you know and can say hi to, get a hug, get a dance and off you go.

Its another JUNCTURE: Where do you go from here? You've maxed out on lessons, may have even taken privates with one or more instructors and still get a high from all the dancing. Your non-dance time is quite limited and people outside of dance only ever know you to be dancing. The euphoria is still there but something might be missing or you're starting to wonder what to do next. So what now?

These are the options I compiled for myself and from talking to others in a similar stage:

• Life is good: You are happy with your dancing, the people you're meeting, its a great place to be and nothing more needs to be said.
• If you haven't already, dance with other teachers; attend congresses where you get exposed to teachers/dancers outside of Seattle
• Explore other latin dances: chacha, merengue, bachata, cumbia
• Explore other dances: blues, swing, tango
• Back to the basics or "Everything old is new again" there are nuances that you may discover by going back the basics or taking basics from some other dance.
• Learn the opposite role (if you're a lead, follow and vice versa)
• Explore other forms of Salsa: casino, rueda de casino, on2 mambo, sohn, etc.
• Understand the music more
• Join a performance team
• Find a dance Partner to dance with and practice for social dancing
• Find a dance Partner to dance with and practice for performance
• Help out with or start to contemplate teaching

What did I decide to do? pretty much almost all of the above except for performing with a partner

1) Join a Performance Dance Team and experience choreographed Salsa
2) Took  lessons to improve other related dances: mambo (salsa on 2) and understand the structure of the music more.

3) Continue to go out social dancing making sure to vary the dancing when I can: salsa, bachata, casino, rueda, cha-cha, swing/blues
4) Learn new dances: Dabble in a little bit of West Coast Swing, Belly Dancing (its fun and I have a long, long way to go; Kizomba,  which is a fusion of some of my favorite dancing AND the music is just lovely: I dabbled in West Coast Swing but am not quite ready to give up more for it.
5)  Learn to lead (salsa and bachata)
6) Started to discuss dancing with my fellow dancer friends and in some cases, we coach each other on moves that we do and the styling that we have - its great fun to collaborate and even be able to help someone else find their own stride!


To say that I still enjoy dancing is an understatement, unlike some of the folks who dance as much as I do (or did) who have hit the "burn out" period where they need to step away from the dancing, I haven't gotten there yet and I think I won't because of the variety of dances I'm learning all at once.


Is there ever an end to learning? I don't think so. I maintain that as long as you are willing, there is always something to learn. Take dancing: it is framed by music and movement and created/performed by people. There are so many different kinds of people in the world who provide an unending supply of creative juices on top of a rich history! There will always be someone new to dance with or some new song that is made. The only reason you would stop learning is if you don't want to anymore.

In the end, at every juncture, its really more about answering the question "Is dancing something I still love doing?"

For me, the answer is still unequivocably is YES!

Share your thoughts, let me know what you think and if you have other ideas to share - please do!
Happy Dancing

Sometimes, the Clouds want to Come out and Play

My sunny optimistic outlook sometimes goes through periods of grey clouds and storms. When I'm happy all the time, I don't get practice dealing with the "not-so-happy" events. I found myself not having any patience for them but still having to deal with the emotions and energy that are there.

Luckily, I DO have a LOT of practice looking at the bright side of things AND so, I thought I'd share some of my "toolkit" on how to make the sun shine despite the clouds over head.

1) Go with the flow: For me, being angry or upset is not a productive state. I've seen many people effectively channel their anger into something quite positive and if you can do that, its the best way to work through it. For myself, those negative times leaves me wanting to just get out of them as quickly as possible and I sometimes forget to let the feelings flow because negativity has a tendency to linger and fester. Don't try to hold back what you feel because that will come back to bite you later. I'm not suggesting you scream at everyone you meet when you're upset. I am suggesting that you find a safe space; by yourself or with good friends who will understand and allow yourself to just be - whatever it is. I like to announce that I need some time to just rant/vent and I'm lucky to have friends and family who are more than happy to listen to me when I'm in this state. The other thing is, with my really good friends, they just give me a slap upside the head or a fresh look at things which always helps to calm me down. Its great to find sympathy but don't wallow in it so much that it becomes an extended bitch fest - THAT is just asking for worse things to come out and play.

2) Root Cause: My geekiness emerges here because I'm all about the root cause. I always try to figure out what triggered the "bad" feeling just so I can understand where things come from and deal with it at the beginning. Its hard to do since all you're into at the moment is the emotion. After "letting it out" I then try to evaluate why I was so angry/sad/upset in the first place. Almost all the time, when I can figure out the root, the clouds don't seem so ominous anymore.

3) Do Something that Reaffirms Your Joy: There are better things to do than spend your time in a negative place. Best to do what you love and it will help you to move on from under the clouds. Better yet, get on the path to something better for yourself and that will certainly dispel those clouds. Learn what you can (if there's anything to learn) and MOVE ON! Life's too rich to let a cloudy day bring you down for very long. Sing in the rain, dance and splash around, celebrate something and pretty soon, you'll feel that positive energy taking over. My personal joys are playing with my niece and nephew, dancing, ice cream with a friend, cooking and sharing food, doing something good for someone else and being with people who help me to laugh at myself.

4) Engage with Something New: I find that if my brain is occupied with learning something new or starting a project or refining a skill, there's no room for negativity. Creation has a magic on its own that I find is strong enough to trump anything negative. I keep a list of things I want to do and projects that I would like to start so when I'm particularly stuck in a negative place, I'll look at that list to find something to look forward to.

5) Something to Smile about: Ah, yes, the smile lifts everything. If you "write down" moments that brought you joy you can always look at them again to remember those moments. Whatever the trigger: words, pictures, music, the smell of roses, that view of the bay, there are memories in you that just make you smile so bring them out and enjoy them again.

It boils down to this: surround yourself with the things, people and places that bring you joy and when the clouds come out to play, you'll be armed with everything you need to see it through.

“The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions - the little, soon-forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heart-felt compliment, and the countless infinitesimals of pleasurable and genial feeling”
~Samuel Taylor

My niece True and nephew Max are sources of unexpected joy - I thought I'd share a moment of them clowning around that just makes me smile:

From Tee4Life

Connections: The Ultimate High (Part 4 of 4)

(Part 4 of 4 on Connections. Here's Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3)

Once in a while, a connection comes along that's in a class of its own. Its that undefined, unpredictable spark of chemistry which sometimes occurs between 2 people and when it happens while dancing, the experience is quite electric.

I'm not sure if this connection will feel exactly the way I describe for everyone - I imagine there are differences but the general gist will still be the same.

The Electric Connection
If ever there were "movie moments" in real life, this would be one of them. You can't predict or anticipate it. All of a sudden, there is it! At the beginning, the dance feels like its going to be a "mwah!" connection and then, suddenly, a spark! There's a subtle but very distinct swirl in the energy and I can remember thinking, "what just happened?" at the end of the song.

Yes, this is that inexplicable age old "magic" between a guy and girl and the experience is quite unique when it happens during a dance. The stage is already set complete with leading lady and man. Music is already playing and both are already in close proximity with each other because of the dance. Time stands still and there a new energy that exists which hints of the soft fluttering wings of butterflies. If one could see energy at that moment,it would be like fire flies fluttering about.

The dance itself becomes more of the backdrop and when its over, what comes next is a huge adventure of its own.

This connection has only happened a few times in my life so far and when its happened it has certainly made life quite interesting. In one case just for that brief moment and in another with longer lasting effects.

Here's my conclusion: when it does happen soak it up and enjoy it. I mean its quite euphoric after all. Yes, this spark can mean the beginning of a fulfilling partnership off the dance floor but I would suggest postponing major decisions until after the energy settles back to normal levels AND you get to know each other beyond just dancing.

Dancing's Connection to Me
There is nothing quite like partner dancing that can express the perfect harmony of music and movement inspired by 2 people. The feelings generated when dancing with such wonderful connections are so amazing. The after effects stick around long after the dance itself has ended. You feel good, your partner feels good and it just keeps propagating.

There is one last connection I'd like to point out and that is the connection to self.

There's a lot I've learned through dance and it continues to teach me still. The big thing I didn't expect was how dancing teaches me to just be me and celebrate that.

I remember about a year into learning to dance salsa, I was contemplating what to do with it. I was taking lessons and going out once, maybe twice a week to social dance. I wondered if I would ever be good enough because I wasn't pleased with my styling: I didn't feel like I was any closer to being as swanky or sexy or svelte as some of those other dancers on the floor who seemed to own the dance.

Someone dear to my heart, also a dancer with whom I've always had a "mwah!" connection with, gave me some advice that turned everything around and helped me continue. Basically what he said translates to this: find your own voice in the dance.

It took me a few more months before I realized that I was trying too hard to dance like other people. I needed to trust in my own sense of self and movement and connection to the music. Before long, I started to bring forward other things from my dance background that I loved:elements of ballet, tango, jazz, swing and most recently belly dancing. Dancing turned into this wonderful interaction where I could express myself through movement, interact with other people, enjoy music, get hugs, compliments and help other people feel good all at once.

Following also taught me to clear my head of any preset expectations or try to 2nd guess the lead. Because of this, there is no room to think about all these "what ifs", I could simply be in the moment with no judgement: the feelings, touch and movement were the true indicators of whether or not the dance was successful.

A non-dancing friend asked me why I love it so much. I said that when I dance, I get to flirt with the boys, get compliments from them, I get my exercise, lots of hugs and I feel great! Not only that, I can help someone else feel good too. I've met some amazing people and continue to grow and learn while having a great time.

What's not to like?

When people tell me how much they enjoyed watching me and my lead dance because we were so good and having so much fun - that just rocks. I dance for the joy it brings: to be able to connect to others who aren't dancing with me to share that joy is always so gratifying.

When you have a good connection, its easy to have a great time dancing. That what I always strive to give and what I love to get back.


"Life is a dance. Sometimes we lead, sometimes we follow. The clearer the communication, the better the dance. The music may change so you just have to learn how to adapt and be flexible. Sometimes it's fast and really “up”, sometimes it's slow and sensual. But when you get really present and in the moment, it's just soooooo easy." ~Pamela Marshall

Connections: Dreamy Dancing (Part 3 of 4)

[Part 3 of 4 about Connections. Here is Part 1 and Part 2.]

The joy of partner dancing cannot be contained in words. The best expression of it is in the dance itself or the music that sets the stage for it. I do my best to share the wonderful connections that I make through partner dancing because it is a large part of why my life is as joy-filled as it is. Its my small way of giving thanks and in the process, perhaps convincing others to give it a go and get in on the fun.

Someone else said it best:
“While I dance I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. That is why I dance.”

quote by Hans Bos

The really cool thing about Hans is that he is neither a dancer or a writer himself. He made this observation while watching people dance.

Wow!

When it comes to social dancing its all about the harmony of music and movement: there is lead-follow interaction that has some structure and then, there's that timeless natural flow that comes from the simple pleasure of a guy and a girl doing a dance to a song.

The Solid Connection
This is where "home base" should be for partner dancing. Whether you're a beginner or an advanced dancer. Both leads and follows share responsibility in making dance connections solid ones.

For any of you learning a new partner dance, make sure you learn about what it takes to establish a solid connection. If you've got good instructors, you already have some exposure to what it takes to do so. If you haven't been exposed to that many dance instructors yet, here are some basic highlights from a blues dancing weekend that I've found to be helpful for any social dance.

As I said in part 1 of this series, good connections begin with an introduction which allows you to settle in with your partner: Feel the music, figure out what to do, say a nice hello and off we go.

There are some other things besides knowing the basic step of the dance that help to establish a solid connection:

Be Yourself
Its hard to get a good connection if you're not yourself. This goes beyond dancing a little bit. If you "force" something, it shows. Take deep breath, remember how much fun this is and shake away your shields and any negative energy. A lot of what I'm suggesting happens differently for each person so do try to stay within your comfort zone. You may find (as I did) that your comfort zone will open up to allow for more and more positive things but don't force it. It'll come. The only exception to "forcing" is the "fake it like you own it" that helps you with the confidence thing (see Part 2 on the Uncertain Connection).

Smile
A dance with solid connection should have a quite a few of these between lead and follow. Some people dance with what I call "dance face". Dance face takes different forms but the most common is the far away look, not quite at your partner but off to the side, serious, concentrated and sometimes pursed lips, kind of like the Blue Steel look that Derek Zoolander perfects in the movie Zoolander. That's cool, personally, some of these dance faces have brought smiles to my face and then when my leads notice my smile, they smile back and the connection we have is instantly enhanced. Natural smiles are infectious: its universal how a smile puts everyone at ease.

Eye Contact
I don't mean a stare down here - I mean normal eye contact; like when you're having a nice conversation with someone. As a follow, sometimes I'm a little coy with the lead to see what happens. Why not right? Its part of the dance and if he's cute oh-la-la!

Or, I imagine this very polite and pleasant conversation, like you're talking about the wonderful weather we're having:

Lead: "Would you please walk down this way? I think you'll like the view"
Follow: "I will and thanks for clearing the way."
Lead: "Now, why don't I turn you around and show you off? Then we can settle into a nice comfy cuddle."
Follow: "Of course!" BIG SMILE "Thanks for letting me do my stuff and while I'm at it, I'll get my arm out of the way to make it more comfortable for both of us"

Give and Take
As with any good connection, there's the perfect balance of give and take: lead and follow. The lead provides the direction and the follows execute to match each other to the music that's playing. Just like physics (or close to it): for every action, there is an equal reaction.

Just the right mix of Fun, Flirty Playfulness
Timeless is the interaction between the opposite sex: its meant to be light-hearted, flirty and fun! There's an element of play that has a different energy between a lead and a follow than there is when you're dancing by yourself. I say have fun with it! you don't have to go overboard and cross over any lines. A solid connection will have some element of flirtation and fun or whatever mood is set by the music.

The Sometimes-On-Again-Sometimes-Off-Again Connection
These connections are the ones that leave me perplexed. There's a lack of consistency: sometimes the dances are great, other times, not so much. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, leads don't ask you to dance and then suddenly, they do again.

Call it the phase of the moon or something in the water but even the best of us can have an off dance. Whether its me or the lead, as long as there was a good connection at some point, that all that I try to focus on. We are all evolving as we dance, styles can change as we learn from new teachers and try new techniques. Sometimes, this too can affect a connection. In the end, we all find our natural voice and at that point, things settle into the solid connection.

There are leads with whom I've danced with while I was still learning who have my eternal gratitude. I know those early dances were sometimes awkward and disconnected and yet, sometimes after taking a "break", they continued to dance with me. Now that I have grown as a dancer and follow, I can take pleasure in paying them back when we continue to dance with no more "off again" connections.

And the ones that do not to ask for a dance? They should dance with who they enjoy dancing with. I would hope to dance with them again because we connected at one point but if not - its all good. There are dances aplenty for us all to enjoy.

The "Mwah!" Connection
Ah, the heavenly dance! For me, this dance is effortless, ethereal and supercalifragilistic! My lead makes me feel like I'm dancing on clouds. We've entered another level of unspoken communication where everything falls into place - just so - in perfect unison with each other and the music. Its the solid connection taken to the next level.

There's a purity in the unspoken connection that's unique to partner dancing and for this connection, its like being in the zone. I'm laughing and smiling and just having the best time ever. I'm not 2nd guessing or anticipating anything, just flowing through the movements that I'm lead through with the music and adding to the dance by punctuating things with my "voice" which often times overlaps perfectly with that of my lead. My lead is also in that flow with me and he's taking what I'm putting into the dance to add to his lead.

I am so lucky that I've connected with quite a few dancers in this way. We don't always pull off the moves we want but it doesn't matter - its all part of the dance. One of my favorite leads expressed it best, he said whatever connection we have to the music, we have the same one. We hear the same things and have complimentary movements to dance together in such a way that it looks like we've danced the song a ton of times together. A series of perfectly timed movements without a word spoken, to the right measure in the music: its truly a beautiful thing.

Its the whipped cream on top of the ice cream sundae of connections. The solid connections are enough to keep me coming back but these connections are the ones that really make everything that much sweeter.

If you dance with someone long enough, you get to this level because you know each other so well. If you're lucky (and I have been soooo lucky!) I've met (and still dance with) leads where the connection has always been that good since the 1st dance we shared. The quality of our moves and the level of difficulty have gotten better over time - we're even able to ad lib and come up with totally new stuff together and the connection: "mwah!" always.

Can there be anything better? Life is pretty good when dances are full of solid and "mwah!" connections.

Stay tuned for the final and fourth installment.

In the meantime, to the leads who have made my dancing experience so rich: you guys are the bomb diggity - thank you so much!

Connections: The Bad and the Ugly (Part 2 of 4)

[Part 2 of 4 about Connections. Here is Part 1.]

In my perfect world, there would be no such thing as a bad connection with another human being. I've been relatively lucky as far as my share of undesirable experiences go and strive not to let the ones I have experienced affect me in a way that takes the joy out of life. Doing this on the social dance floor is so much easier because the interaction is always framed inside a 3-4 minute song. [If you need a new thought on how to not let the bad things bring you down: check out this blog post].

First things first: In writing about "The Bad and The Ugly", I want to make it clear that I am describing how things feel from one follower's perspective (that would be me!) on the dance floor. I am NOT claiming to speak for all follows, nor do I know the true character of the leads who might be guilty of these connections. A dance may tell me something about a man's character but its certainly is NOT the sum total of who he is as a person. These observations I share are not judgments. For me, dancing is a state of mind and I do my best to suspend the analytical/thinking part of my brain so I can fully focus on the present: the music, my lead and the movement of the dance.

The Undesirable Connection
There are times when i wish that one could award technical fouls or red cards on the social dance floor for these "offenses". The result would be a time out off the dance floor so that they are informed of their offense and they don't deprive someone else of a joyful dance.

Herky Jerky
Ah, they mean well but boy! do I feel like a rag doll in the hands of this lead. Bravo for the enthusiasm of expression! I would like to remind them though, that while they may enjoy swinging their arms whole-heartedly to the music (and it may even help them to stay on beat) there's a lot of strength generated by that motion and while you are holding my hands, my arms become an extension of yours and the hard, wild movement is not so much fun sometimes. I can't totally relax for fear of an arm being pulled or hyper-extended so I match the tension which can be tiring. Its also hard to distinguish that normal swing for a pre-lead to another move. I'd like to remind these leads that a firm and gentle hold goes a long, long way. Relax a bit, the swaying will naturally happen when your body moves to the music. If you're wondering as a lead, whether you're guilty of this or not: if your arms are circling way outside the frame between you and your partner and you watch them carefully as they are gritting their teeth or thinking "when is he going to stop?" then I would suggest "less is more".

Gropey Creepy
This is the guy who likes to take advantage of the fact that social dancing gives him leave to get close to a girl by just asking her for a dance. He likes to pull the girl in an extremely tight embrace even though the song is going over 180 rpms (its fast). Sometime, he may even reach out and touch (or grope) some body parts that should be admired, not mauled. The irony here is that despite the abundance of physical connection, the dance itself is so uncomfortable, as a follow, all I can think about is how NOT to make any more of a connection. In this instance I try to practice what I can about defensive dancing: my left arm is no longer draped over the shoulder but positioned more as a lever between this lead's chest and my own, I do my best to minimize any natural hip movement for fear of instigating more unwanted attention. I remind myself - its only a 3-4 minute song and at the end of it, I will do my best (and quickest) exit, politely decline any future dances and move on!

Body Odor
Sense of smell is very powerful and even if someone is a great lead (or follow for that matter), body odor can ruin a perfectly wonderful dance. It simply overrides everything else. Personal hygiene is extremely important and its every dancer's responsibility to know what impact you're having on the person you're dancing with. This is one offense that is so easy to avoid! Please, do take the time to check out how things smell before you subject someone else to it. There's a reason why there's are whole industries that provide people with products like deodorant, cologne, perfumes and mints to mask those odors that are a by-products of the food that you eat or the natural way your body tries to modulate its own body temperature (perspiration). If you're lucky, you can ask a good friend to be your "test" and if you're someone's good friend, you should help them out by letting them know. If you're my friend - then please, pull me aside and let me know!

Can't Find the Beat
Of all the offenses, this one is hardest for me to cope with. I am still not quite sure that there's a good way to "fix it" without being a total a_ _ to my lead and back-leading. The beat is the pulse of the music and dancing off beat just feels wrong! Its like being pulled in 2 directions at once. The music says one thing and my lead says another: I want to flow with the music but also need to follow my lead and they are at odds with each other. Its like being in the middle of an argument between my mom and dad who want me to do 2 entirely different things: a paralyzing conundrum. I find myself stuck in place between 2 opposing forces and still having to move! I shudder at the thought. My dear leads who have a hard time finding the beat - please listen to the music as much as you can! Practice finding and moving to the beat: tap it out, bob your head, tap your fingers. You don't have to find the 1 to start all the time - just find the beat 1st. After that, when you get used to hearing and feeling the music, you'll be able to find that 1 or 2 or 5 or whatever count you desire.

The Uncertain Connection
This next category of connections is on its own because I think its has an easy fix and the connection isn't as ugly as the previous ones. Its more like a warning or yellow card versus an all out penalty.

Confidence is attractive. To dance with uncertainty takes positive energy away from the dance and as a follow, its hard to respond well when I'm not sure what I've been asked to do.

The solution here is simple: "Fake it like you own it." A simple dance, led with confidence and fun will trump a series of botched up, uncertain set of moves any day. Everyone makes mistakes and I can tell you that leads who dance with confidence will make a mistake part of their "plan": flash a smile to charm or a sheepish one to apologize and its like we shared a private inside joke instead.

I know that there are some leads out there who might not agree and who feel like they have to be "all that" and more to lead a good dance. All I can say is, if you dance with confidence (remember confidence does NOT equal cockiness), there is a positive energy that you bring which enhances the connection.

Dancing is supposed to be fun - so have fun! You can still smile, take care of the lady your dancing with, distract her with your charm and let her enjoy the dance with you. Uncertainty is another "joy-killer": how can you be happy if you're not sure? When I sense that uncertainty in my lead, I do my best to smile to help to put him at ease.

If you're a beginner lead and are too busy worrying about not knowing enough moves. Check this out: most beginner classes will teach you anywhere from 6 to 8 moves and you can execute the moves in closed and open position: 2 for the price of 1!! So, think about all the possible variations: simply change the order of how you lead the moves and you can easily fill up a whole dance.

This type of connection, while uncomfortable, isn't undesirable because in my experience, confidence builds over time with positive feedback and practice. Its so cool to dance with someone who's actively learning and improving because one day, without even knowing it, things just "click" and I'll be swept off my feet into a dreamy dance connection.

Coming in Part 3: The awesome connections!

Connections - Adventures in Life (Part 1 of 4)

Some of the best adventures in life result from those wonderful and unexpected connections that you make with other people. I am very lucky and extremely grateful to have made so many wonderful connections in my life so far. My connections in dancing have certainly added to these adventures and have all contributed to helping me grow in becoming a better follow.


So, to give weight to how important this topic is and so I don't write a blog article that turns into a short story, this begins Part 1 of a 4 part series where I'll share my views on dance connections.

As much as there is so much joy in partner dancing, I hate to admit that not all connections are equal. Some are so memorable, I can still remember them years after and some are just memories I don't want to re-live. I do believe that every connection teaches me something about myself and makes me more confident in who I am.

In my perfect world, anything to do with dancing would only be a joyful occasion. Reality often reminds me that this is not always the case. The good news is, there are ways to make more of the good kinds of connections and less of the "undesirable" kind.

Dance is a microcosm for real life and the social interactions and connections on the dance floor are a hotbed of metaphors for those same interactions off the dance floor. So, based on my experiences so far, I'd like to offer some general advice that will lead to more positive connection on the social dance floor.

BIG UMBRELLA GUIDELINE: A nice, simple introduction is always the best way to start.
There aren't words enough to describe how important this. This rule applies whether you're dancing with someone for the 1st time or not. It can make all the difference in making or breaking a connection. I'm just suggesting that every interaction should start with a nice "Hello".

If you already know the person, then that can take different forms:
1) A hug
2) A kiss on the cheek
3) A chest bump

you get the general drift.

So with social dancing - BONUS! There's this song that's playing in the background.... AND it has an introduction too!
Here's what I suggest:

1) Take the 1st few 8 counts to establish the beat/rhythm of the dance. One of the hardest things for me as a follow to do is to dance off beat. Its almost as bad as scratching your nails on a chalk board. When you take the time to establish your rhythm in a comfortable position (Open embrace or closed), you're able to take that few seconds to smile at your partner, listen to the music and set yourself up for the rest of the song.


2) Get a feel for your partner and their dancing style. I don't mean feel her up. I mean start by checking to see if you're connected by moving side to side. Execute a few basic moves(cross body, inside turn, outside turn) and then rev it up if you think she can handle more. I'm pretty sure that if you're opening move is to throw your follow into a quadruple spin,its not the friendliest way to say "hello" unless your dancing with a whirling dervish (no offense intended). Instead of that nice hello, you'd be saying "Let's see if you can handle THAT! Show me what you got!" Not exactly the most friendly of hello's.

3) Get in to a flow and then build up the moves. Most leads that are learning will have a set of moves that they'll want to just run through and that's ok because we all have to practice what we learned. BUT, its a bit jarring to do a move that doesn't quite fit so well with the music. Just because you can do something in time and on beat, doesn't make it "fit". LISTEN TO THE MUSIC - if it means not dancing right away, then take the time. I can't tell you how many lovely jazzy songs have been not quite as lovely because a lead decides to execute these series of quick fast turns and direction changes that just don't fit as well as smooth variations of cross body leads with turns, sweeps and flares that help express the music so much better. Its just as bad to try to dance in a tightly closed embrace to an extremely fast and happy song: not only to you (the lead) run the risk of crossing the line into being a pervert, but you also just kill all the energy of the song and will force your follow into an extremely defensive stance which just ain't nice.

4) Try to match your partner. Yes, for advanced dancers this could mean toning down quite a bit. Ever seen a ballerina dance with a head banging rocker? Its probably quite entertaining for the people watching but I'm willing to bet that as a far as a connection goes, not so much. Its a much better dance experience all around if you can match each other. Key words: Match Each Other which implies that its a 2-way street! Don't force it, don't stress it and whatever you do, don't belabor it! If something doesn't work, don't get upset. Humor is a good alternative to most situations on the dance floor and at the very least, just smile (that's what works for me almost 100% of the time). If you make a mistake and own it, no apologies necessary: sheepish smile, keep on dancing and your golden. If you're dancing with someone new, who's to say you didn't plan it anyway? In rueda (which is a group dance) when a move goes horribly wrong our caller will call "reset!" and execute a basic move to get everyone together again. You can do this too - just come up with your reset move, smile and move on.

The final catch all: I'm diverging a little here to share a personal belief that a mark of a good follow is that they can match any lead. The key word is CAN. Just because one can do something, doesn't mean one chooses to do so or likes it. Social dancing for most people is about the joy of expressing music through movement with another person. Everyone has their own wants about what that is and if someone only chooses to dance with people they know they can connect with, that's their choice. Don't make it into your issue. Personally, I believe that there's more great connections to be experienced out there all the time. By giving everyone a chance - at least give one dance - I can always find them. If it turns out those few minutes are not so good for me, then I can choose to decline the next time that person asks.

These are my general rules to achieving nice connections all the time. There are exceptions obviously and then what do you do when the other person is just not cooperating or operating with the same rules? I try to address that a little bit in the next parts of this series where I talk about specific connections. I've generalized the connections I've experienced into different types/categories which I'll get into in more detail.

Here's a preview of what they are:

The Undesirable Connection: This is the connection that, for whatever reason, leaves you with a bad taste. These are the experiences that reaffirms the things that you don't like in interacting with people and give you the opportunity to handle them with grace (or at least minimum damage).

The Uncertain Connection: Though I think this is unique to a learning situation, its still happens in real life so I want to give it a category of its own. Often this connection will lead to another type as time passes.

The On-Again-Off-Again Connection: I think that description says it all and like the Uncertain Connection, it can evolve into another kind of connection over time.

The Solid Feel Good Connection: These are the connections I strive to have the most of as follower in dance as well as a person navigating through life.

The Mwah! Connection: Heavenly, my "top 10", totally whack! Ideally - all connections should be like this. These are the connections that are so memorable, you'll find yourself talking about them years after they 1st happened and hopefully they are happening still. Life would be a dream if all connections were like this one.

The Electric Out-of-This-World Connection: This connection is old black magic that makes your head spin and leaves you bemused, sometimes bothered and totally bewildered.

Its Not About Perfection, Its About How You Handle Your Mistakes

As I continue to dance and grow as a dancer, I am struck by how differently people seem to approach their dancing. So many people strive for perfection and yet perfection can be so different, depending on what it is you love about the dance and what your goals are.

I realized that for myself, while achieving perfection is a challenge I can strive for, what's important to me is how well I can handle the unexpected twists and turns on the dance floor.

It would be lovely to live in a world that does not measure how well you do something: where you're not being judged against some standard or high bar. Instead, wouldn't it be more pleasant to focus on how much you've learned and the joy that you share and experience along the way. I believe the mastery of a skill should be celebrated as much as the journey along the way.

I don't deny it. It's great to get 100%. One of my clearest memories during my freshman year at MIT was the fact that I was the 1st one of my freshman friends to get 100% in a calculus quiz. I remember that my fellow freshmen friends looked at me with such respect: I impressed the hell out of them all - me, this chinese girl from the Philippines.

When I'm social dancing, the perfect moment is this indescribable high I get when I have struck an effortless connection with my partner and the music. I'm smiling all the time as my lead plays with our movement so that the expression of it fits hand in glove with the music that's playing. The dancing is effortless, like walking on clouds. And, when the music ends, I'm breathless: not just from the physical dance but from all the fun that I'm having.

I don't always know what's coming in a dance. I still have lots to learn so there are times when I know I missed a cue from my lead or when the his face give away that there was an "oops!" moment. Its a mistake right? Here's the best part - a perfect dance can have those moments but because the connection is so strong, its not really a mistake, it becomes part of the dance. Then, the cherry on the sundae happens when my lead decides to try that missed move again anyway and voila! Magnifique!

I don't always do it well - but I do know that when I can handle my mistakes with humility, grace and humor its wonderful! In fact, I think that perfection might well be re-defined by not just what you achieve but how well you handle your mistakes along the way.

"Don't Let Some Poopy Head Ruin Your Day!"

Poopy is derived from the word "poop" which is a child friendly form of the word shit.

"Poopy head" is a term that my niece and nephew use on each other when one of them does something silly or inexplicable. Most of the time, it happens when one of them is being just plain nonsensical. Sometimes its used when one of them is not being nice. Other times its used when one of them is being grouchy and just no fun to be around. And my favorite time is when they just call each other that to get a laugh.

So, my new motto for times when shit happens is: "Don't let some poopy head ruin your day!"

See, when shit happens, its usually accompanied by emotional bursts followed by one of 2 possible outcomes:
ONE: Things could escalate and drama ensues.
TWO: Emotions ride their course and there is no drama because you say

"I'm not going to let some poopy head ruin my day!"

I break it down very simply on purpose.

Oftentimes, when one is hip deep in the "shit" (whatever it might be): emotions run high, your involvement is so entrenched. It's too hard or complicated to pull back and put things in perspective.

As you deal with your emotions, there is a tipping point when the drama begins to escalate. Drama develops quickly when you start to get embroiled in things that are beyond your direct control: you may start to speculate or play what-if scenarios or even try to figure out - why?. Drama explodes when, in the midst of being upset, the final truth is hidden and all you can see is a forest of trees instead of the path to clear pasture.

I submit that it comes down to one question: Do you really want to let some poopy head, ruin your day?!

Heck, NO!

By the way, in some cases, the poopy head is you! In which case, you can just roll with it, don't beat yourself up unnecessarily, find a good friend to give you a hug and move on.

Because things are not always so clear cut, I have some additional DO's and a DON'T that might help in the event that shit does happen:

• DO honor your emotions: there's usually no short-cutting things when you feel sad or angry because they come back to bite you. Do what you need to do to accept your feelings before you hit that drama tipping point.
• DO ask yourself if there's something you can do to prevent the "shit" from happening again. Sometimes you could have done something to prevent shit from happening. Don't beat yourself up - just be responsible for it.
• DO decide if you're going to just leave the poopy head be or address the situation. Sometimes the poopy head in question is someone you care about so you have another decision to make. If you do decide to address it, WAIT till the emotions boil over, it's better that way, trust me.
• DO ask yourself (or find a friend who can listen to you vent and then ask you), "how much do I really want to let this bother me?" because after all, you DON'T want to let some poopy head ruin you day.
• DON'T start questioning or doubting or putting yourself down about what happened: didn't you know? Shit happens all the time!

And, because there are times when you need a lifeline when shit happens, make sure to have handy:

• A best friend that can listen to you without judging or getting you even more fired up.
• Whatever memory or thought or thing that will make you smile without fail. Need some ideas? Dance, ice cream, hugs, chocolate ...
• Sometimes, it helps to read what others are having a bad day about: www.fmylife.com
• Dance! oh, i said that already

These little tidbits have liberated me from many miserable events in my life that I previously had so much trouble avoiding.

At the very least, its funny to say "poopy head". My niece and nephew will say (or hear) "poopy" and laugh.

Laughter is always the best medicine.