Following

One of the questions I am often asked is "What makes a good follow?" in social partner dancing. Then, there's also the follow-up: "How do you teach someone to be a good follow?".

There are two core things that I believe to be true for ANY role in the partner dance. I believe that social partner dancing is a way to express what one hears in the music with someone else. For me, the beauty and joy of partner dancing is at its best when the partnership is something that both dancers can enjoy.

1) Understand the rules of the dance and the music. The music drives the dance and different dances have conventions that need to be understood. There's no escaping that you have to understand the music and the dance together. By conventions I refer to things that are foundations like the step pattern if there is one, how to step and move and engage with your partner.

2) Understand my body and how it moves. As a dancer my body is what I use to express, respond and connect in the dance. In order to use it well, I have to know what I can do to move with balance, grace and in the partnership with someone else. To develop this understanding, it means I have to explore different kinds of movement to different kinds of music.

As anyone hooked on dancing will attest to, one can spend a lifetime learning and perfecting these core tenants. This is another reason I love dancing, the process of learning and growing never really ends.

One final ingredient is your mindset.

Here's mine:

I aspire to make every dance I dance as enjoyable as possible with the person I dance with. 

This doesn't mean that I sacrifice myself at the expense of my partner. It does mean that I have an equal say in the dance to make it as fun as possible.

Given that I am already working on the core things above, here are some three main skills that I constantly work on to perfect my following:

LISTEN  - I listen to the music so I can understand what my lead hears in the song. I listen to how my lead moves and "hear" his expression of the  music through his dancing. I develop radars everywhere using my eyes, my limbs etc.

For example, in Kizomba: I pay attention to how my lead steps and moves. What are the signals I can use to know that the step is slow, at tempo, faster. What is the indication for me to turn?  Every step is a new step so I focus on how to understand the different ways my partner is stepping.

In other dances, I look at my partner's body and arm position. There are many other subtle clues to what's coming next and the more I dance and the more I dance with different people, the better I get at reading the signs early so I can be ready to respond and eventually respond with time to play (see Express below). 

MATCH - I do my best to match and flow of his movement while still maintaining my own balance: equal to what my lead is suggesting/asking. When there is too much resistance or not enough connection - I know that something is off so I try to adjust: its not a fight - its a flow. 

Matching sometimes means that I hold off on styling to make sure that I continue the flow that my lead has initiated. Matching also means that sometimes, I mimic what my lead is doing, or pick up partway and make a variation of my own. I counter or change time or move in contrast to something he just did.

Matching also means using the same force and energy that I am led with to complete my movements. It become a cycle while the music plays: energy and movement is absorbed, transformed and then sent back between the partners in the social dance.

EXPRESS - I keep my presence known so that my lead knows that I'm dancing with them to the music. Sometimes that means I yield to the lead's musicality and expression because we're in sync anyway, sometimes it means I suggest something without interrupting their flow. Oftentimes its a combination.

Expression is where I get to be who I am in the partnership and it is where I can share what I hear in the music with my partner. It is where I can do one or more of these things to make the dance I have as much fun as can be, to inspire, complement, enhance or expand the experience for myself and my dance partner.

CHALLENGES
Its only three points but there's a lot within each one and if you keep thinking about all of them at once, well, your brain might explode and your body just freeze with too much to do. There are also so many teachers and helpful souls out there that want to give you advice. Just remember that you know yourself best and give yourself space to learn, absorb, apply and integrate.

Challenges can drive you but they can also discourage you and depending on where you're at in your learning cycle and confidence, it can easily cause you to want to stop dancing. Don't let it. What I recommend is:
1) Have an open mind and be patient. You know the deal, Rome wasn't built in a day right?
2) Be true to yourself and what it is you love about the dance. Its easy to get swayed by other people. This is after all an activity that is very extroverted and feedback from others is always around whether you want it or not. Not all dances will be fun and some of the people you will meet are definitely not your type. When in doubt, look to yourself for validation and find your support system and the people that care about you for help. Don't let some jerk or negative experience define what you do or trap you into something that makes you miserable.
4) Take a break and come back to it when you need. Sometimes, you just need to reset so reset! Dance will always be there and being welcomed back after a long absence can be a very much needed boost to a tired or weary demeanor.

IN THE END ...
My experience with learning is that each of these things are like layers: when one layer becomes so much a part of you that you don't have to think about it anymore, then another layer comes into focus OR you have time to perfect the next layer. Also, as you learn and your sensors and movements become second nature, you're instincts will take over and then BAM! more magic happens.

What I love about following is the I have last word in the interaction and I can influence the next move. I love that as a follow I an open up possibilities for my lead in the dance, whatever level they might be. What I love about partner dancing is when my lead and I are on the same wavelength with what we hear in the music and that we can be ourselves while appreciating and inspiring each other in the dance. 

Letting Go

As a follow in partner dancing, I am faced with an interesting challenge: finding a balance between controlling my own movement and letting go to respond to my lead.

When dancing is at its best for me, I'm not thinking about what's next. I'm not counting or worrying about my technique or over-anticipating what the next move might be. I'm not even consciously focused on catching every lead. When I'm following at my best, I'm in a zone: my mind is open: actively taking everything in. My body though under control, is relaxed. There's no 'clutter' in my head. I'm alert but not tense. I am just dancing. There is simplicity in these moments: I hear the music, I see and feel and react to my partner’s movements to dance effortlessly with the song that’s guiding us both.

While learning to dance, I have learned that letting go allows me to be fully present in the moment. When I’m dancing I'm having so much fun. It’s reinforced for me, that when I let go, I have fun. In learning to be a better dancer and follow, I learned a lot about letting go.

What happens when I am fully present is that there is nothing to stress me out and I can truly engage and enjoy my dancing. It’s probably the closest thing to a perfect zen moment for me: the harmony of movement and music is my moment of joyful meditation. I’m lucky enough to have many such moments when I go out dancing.

To let go allows me the pleasure of having all my senses focused on the present moment. The past is done, with lessons captured and learned while the future is something to look forward to.

Here’s what I learned about letting go:

1) Breathe 
Breathing is essential but often taken for granted: it’s automatic. Letting go for me is often like a reset button. I find that focusing on breathing goes a long way to helping me reset. When I get tense, I start to stress: I think about my breathe and focus on taking in all that oxygen, filling my lungs, then exhaling slowly, pulling down my shoulders, letting some tension go. It helps me to relax which helps me to reset.

2) Have a Happy Thought Handy 
Smiling puts you at ease so I always have a happy thought handy. Some time ago, when things weren’t going quite so well in my life, I realized that my journal was filled with all this really sad, morose and melodramatic (really? I wrote that?!) stuff. I decided to devote my energies to remembering and immortalizing happy moments. So, I have a bunch of them always handy to whip out when things get a little rough. These memories are things that can automatically put a smile on my face. They remind me of what’s important which always puts me in the present moment and helps me to let go.

3) Be Responsible for Yourself 
Every dance has a basic set of rules and structure that you need to be responsible for. Know the music, know the basic step and know what the communication/connection with your partner entails. It’s just like learning a new language or subject; you need to understand that basic vocabulary to make the communication/connection work. Life is like that too – you can’t take on responsibility for things beyond your control. Letting go is all about accepting what’s within your realm of control and being responsible for it.

On Dancing Basics: Every dance will have its own set of rules and structures to follow but for me, they all have these things in common: Balance and Posture. If you work on understanding your body well enough that you can maintain your balance and posture when moving, this can only help you be a better dancer. 

4) Be Yourself: Trust Yourself 
No one is better at being you than you so why try to be like someone else? It’s great to have role models and to aspire to be as good as someone else BUT, you still have to be true to yourself. If you can't trust yourself then you won't be able to let go enough to take a lead from someone else. If you don't trust yourself you’ll be second guessing yourself every step of the way and you’ll never really understand who you are as a dancer and a person. The coolest part about letting go is you get to just be you. You're out there to have fun and enjoy the dancing and whatever aspects of life are out there to be relished.

5) Leave Mr. Critic and Ms Am-I-Good-Enough at the door 
It’s hard enough to engage in learning something that involves physical coordination. Now add to that the music and someone else who's lead you have to respond to. That's a lot all at once. I say, leave these two characters at the door. When Mr. Critic is telling you "better do it right" and Ms. Am-I-Good-Enough is whispering "don't mess it up!" it’s hard to focus on the now. If they're being stubborn about it, try focusing on breathing and smiling. Have a happy memory handy and better yet, find that guy or gal that you know that you’ll have a good dance with to reset: it’ll help you find that fun in what you’re doing which makes these two characters totally mute.

6) It’s just a dance and there's always another 
I don't spend time dwelling on bad dance because there is always another and I have so many good ones to feed my energy for the night. Every dance is different because of the music, because of who you're dancing with and where you are. Every night I’ve gone out dancing, there have always been those dances that just make me smile because they were just so good. Don’t let some poopy head ruin your dancing joy – its really not worth it.

7) When all Else Fails: Back to the Beginning 
When in doubt go back to the basics. If you trust that you are responsible for yourself and you find things are somewhat out of control, and then just stick to the basics. When you’re following and not quite sure that you are, clear out the styling, the fancy footwork and focus on the basic so that you can then focus on the lead. When you’re stressing out about dancing, remember why you do it: it’s supposed to be fun right?

8) LISTEN 
There's listening and then there's LISTENING. I’m not just talking about what you hear: LISTENING involves what you see and what you feel. It’s really more about engaging your senses - all of them. Being fully present allows you to get to that zen moment with as little friction as possible. If you're too caught up in the wrong thing, it will be easy for you to lose sight of your lead and miss a cue. If you're thinking about the mistake you just made or whether or not what you did was correct, then you are not paying attention to what's coming next. If you’re too worried about styling the arm, you’ll likely miss the next move.

9) Have fun and enjoy the ride 
Here’s the bonus that you get with letting go when you dance: the pure joy of the experience. It’s uncluttered and simply lovely. Who doesn’t want that all the time?

10) Trust in the Best Possible Outcome

There is power in positive thinking, you put your energies in a better place and it can only beget more of the same. I'm getting a little meta-physical here but I've never gone out to dance with a negative thought in mind. I may be tired or nervous or sleep-walking, but I'm looking forward to dancing because of how much fun it is. Have I had bad dances? Ofcourse! But rather than give power to that bad dance to cause me to fear dancing or shy away from it, I'll shrug it off and possibly learn how to avoid it in the future.

Parting Thought

I’ve used this quote before but I love it so I’ll put it here again as a parting thought:

"While I dance I can not judge, I can not hate, I can not separate myself from life. I can only be joy.”

Intimacy and Social Dancing

There's a very fine line dividing a beautiful sensual dance from a crass distasteful one.

This question has come up a lot in my discussions with fellow dancers so I thought I'd share my thoughts on it.

Just how close is too close when dancing? When do you cross over from being tastefully sensual to being overtly crass?

Let's start by breaking down each word: Intimate Social Dancing

INTIMATE: By definition, intimate is an adjective that characterizes a close or warm personal relationship or a friendly, warm atmosphere.

SOCIAL: Implies a community; a group of people interacting together, enjoying friendly companionship and having a good time. There is an sense of openness in that everyone is welcome to participate.

DANCING: Is an activity that one actively engages in: a series of rhythmical steps with body motions in time with music.

Social dancing is an activity that embodies the interaction between 2 people (usually a guy and a girl or a lead and a follow) which involves music and movement: engaging body, mind, spirit, and feeling. It is personal, intimate, communicative, social and public all at the same time. It is also creative, spontaneous, individuals dancing in response to each other with a structure and convention framed around it. Leads initiate and follows respond and enhance what the leads initiate.

In my view, all social dancing has some level of intimacy because of the connection that is established between the lead and follow to the music. That unspoken communication is a form of intimacy on it's own. There are certainly some dances that require closer physical contact than others, and that’s where all the “fun” begins.

I often get asked how I feel about dancing in a close embrace: for example, during a bachata moderna or when I'm dancing the blues. My answer is pretty simple. There are many styles of dance and if close embrace is part of the dance style that’s how it should be danced: that close embrace is part of the appeal and one the reasons I enjoy dancing.

I love learning different forms of dancing – the variety in the steps and interaction with my lead allow me to express myself freely within the context of the music that we dance to. For me, an intimate dance, requiring closer physical contact has a strong appeal. Dances like Tango (I’m still a beginner), Kizomba, Blues and Bachata allow for a closer connection where I can experience the warmth of an embrace with another person: I close my eyes and the rest of the dance unfolds like magic.

Here’s the key to the “magic” of being able to enjoy the dance without crossing the line:

Both parties are there because they enjoy and respect the intimacy of the dance.

Translation: [pardon the directness] you’re not there to pick up some random person and get laid! You’re there for Intimate Social Dancing.

I’m not going to pretend that this type of dancing doesn’t lend itself to a different kind of intimacy off the dance floor: of course it can! I have many friends who’ve expressed that one of the biggest attractions is how enjoyable that close physical proximity is when dancing with someone of the opposite sex (not to mention the “thrill” if said someone is the object of one’s dance crush – oo-la-la!) On the dance floor however, it’s still a social (as in community) activity and one must be respectful of the people one interacts with on the dance floor and during the dance. That’s why there is some structure on how the dance is danced: even a dance as loose as the blues, still has the basic foundation in that lead-follow connection.

Everyone has different definitions for their personal boundaries and space. There are different degrees of close embrace. As a lead, one should understand that and respect what the follow you’re dancing with is willing to allow. That just comes with the territory. If you’re not sure about how someone will react when you first dance with them, just observe them dancing before you ask – “look before you leap” as it were.

Now, there are many occasions where this close contact can have very different results so I’m addressing those occasions in the form of Q&A. These have been collected from various conversations I’ve had with fellow dancers. Not all the answers are my own – many of them are compilations of responses that were shared during those discussions. Hopefully they help you answer your own questions and at the very least provide you with some entertainment along the way.

“I just don’t want to come across as “that creepy” guy when I’m dancing – how do I do that when I’m getting that close to someone I’m dancing with for the 1st time?”

It’s all about approach and intent. People give off a different energy when they are approaching with “shall we dance?” versus “I want to get in your pants!”. If you approach like a gentleman with respect and admiration, that’s always a good start. Just because that dance requires you to get close, doesn’t mean you have to start close right away. Take advantage of the introduction and ease into the close embrace. The lady or follow will tell you when it’s close enough. You should feel her relax into your lead and off you go.

I would also suggest that leads learn about the different styles of close embrace by taking a Tango or Blues class. There are ways to approach your partner so that it’s not an “in your face” or intimidating approach. Little things like open by inviting and then slowly closing the embrace will help.

“What if she/he just doesn’t want to be that close?”

Remember respect? It comes with the territory – everyone has different space boundaries and don’t force yours on who you’re dancing with: it’s just one song, one dance. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to dance with this person again afterward. In the meantime, be polite and handle it with grace and poise.

“What if I physically feel something from my lead that’s telling me he’s a little turned on by the dance?”

Let’s face it – this is an “occupational hazard”. I mean how can you not get turned on when you’re dancing with someone hot, to this wonderful music and the whole time you’re in a close physical embrace? I’m so lucky to be a woman because at least the physical manifestation of being turned on is not as obvious as a man’s. Here is definitely a moment where the line might get crossed.

The underlying assumption must be true: both parties are there to enjoy and respect each other and the dancing. Here’s some suggestions on how to gracefully handle the situation:

For the lead: perhaps adjust the closeness of the embrace until things subside a little so that it’s not so obvious. Your close embrace can be offset enough for you to maintain the close contact. You don’t have to say anything or make it a big deal. If you have the gift for just the right touch of humor for the occasion – a small smile or shrug to lighten the mood then that might help. Just remember “occupational hazard” and focus on the dance.

For the follow: remember “occupational hazard”, if you trust the intent of your lead, then don’t make it an issue. I tend to just ignore it and if my lead makes the appropriate adjustments, the dance continues and nothing more needs to be said. If my lead does say something to apologize, I’ll acknowledge it lightly as well.

NOW, if the lead does not adjust and the follow is uncomfortable, then follows – by all means, apply some “defensive” dancing maneuvers to distance yourself from your lead and remember that the dance doesn’t last forever.

Finally, if it really is uncomfortable for you, then either party should be able to excuse yourself from the dance – politely – and part ways.

“Oops, my hand accidentally brushed against (insert sensitive body part here)! What do I do?”

Same as above. It's an “occupational hazard” even in the not so close social dances. So. handle it with light humor (if you can), poise and grace - don't make it a big deal unless that line is really crossed. If someone is feeling you up and you're not cool with it or the touch/contact is uncomfortable for you, you're well within your rights to step away. You can just tell them you have to excuse yourself and leave.

“Wow! That really was a woozy of a dance… hand me a cigarette – please!”

Let’s face it folks – this is a high like no other really so why not enjoy it? Intimate Social Dancing is one big flirt fest and a celebration of how fun the interaction between the sexes can be.

One last word of advice:
If you feel like there’s something extra special beyond the dance, make sure you wait before acting on it. I think there are times when the “dance high” can be confusing and it can take a while for that to subside. Save yourself some drama.

If you have intentions to get to know a person beyond the dancing, it might be best to approach gently on the side with some small conversation and then setup a different time to pursue something off the social dance floor.

Don't let your dance high carry you away to never never land as far as relationships go. I never assume that someone is interested beyond the dancing unless he makes a definite move to get to know me off the dance floor. I'm excited for those opportunities to get to know someone off the dance floor, especially if there's already a strong dance connection. I mean what girl wouldn't want a leading man in her life that can literally sweep her off her feet?