Randomness on a Rainy Day

Every now and again, my brain flies from thought to thought without much rhyme or reason - at least none that I can figure. I thought I'd just put them to writing and see what happens.

My thoughts.... they swirl .... going all over the map.

I hear a podcast about how someone was inspired and saved by dance while I'm writing my book outline and I think I need to connect to this person because he's an example of what I'm writing about how dance changes people.

I'm trying to capture my philosophy on dancing so that if someone were to ask about me and my teaching for dance, it would reflect that. I want to build on the layers and layers of fun, awareness, growth and joy that comes from dancing.

A message about plans for later tonight: looking forward to catching up with someone that's a long time coming.

Looking at the time: dear lord! its already 3pm and wait, we loose an hour which means more daylight - hurrah!

Looking at the pile of socks I've accumulated to make sock animals...boy that's a lot of socks. Reflecting back on my crafting day with a friend and realizing the older version of dream I considered and wondering why I never pursued it. Perhaps I should.

Listening to kizomba music and thinking about the new series of posts I'm writing on balance, posture and tension. So many images in my head, I wish I could find a way to animate it all. Dance is so dynamic and I see it in colors and swirls of light. With kizomba there's a warmth and intimacy that I don't feel with any other dance. This is why its drew me in and captured me. This is why I want to help other see what it can be like to dance in another's embrace, very close, from the outside moving as if one but really communicating so flawlessly through touch.

I think it would be wonderful to find a partner in that same way. Someone that feels like home. Someone I can just be myself with. Like the dance, someone that draws me in, captivates and holds me in a comforting embrace.

Looking forward to time with my sister and her family for dinner and maybe bringing my sock animals over to share with the kiddos. Hmmmm, maybe I should just make more sock animals.

Rats - I forgot to drink more water again! Wait, just remembered another idea for my write.. gotta add pictures and diagrams.

ok.. now I AM going to make another sock animal.... brb

AND that's done... oh my! Its time to head out now but I thought I'd share my new sock creation. He's a fish.

And Then... It Just Clicked

In the last few months, I've learned a lot about myself and my relationships with family and friends. I've been processing and settling down from all the new information so it was difficult to write a post. I had started many drafts and now, finally, I'm able to share.

The end of 2013 was punctuated by these major events: an emergency at home, a realization that a significant relationship in my life had some serious issues and a lot of uncertainty about what would be happening in 2014. These events along with many others have helped me grow in a way I hadn't really anticipated.

In the last months in 2013 through early 2014, I was not my happy, positive self. I was worried, uncertain, hurt, heartbroken and confused. For someone like me, these feelings feel alien. I do not like feeling this way, in fact I work hard to get out of these states as quickly as I can. To have them all at once made me fell like I was undersiege and navigating through unknown territory. I also spent the last six weeks of 2013 in the Philippines to be with my mom and dad. This kept me from my usual activities and avenues of support. I wasn't sleeping well, I wan't dancing and I was holding tension in my body all the time. I was totally off kilter.

Thankfully, there were bright joyful moments in the mix. These moments brought palpable relief - I am so grateful for all of it. I met my adorable, almost 1 year old niece for the first time. She is friendly and so expressive: her smile just melted my heart. I was also able to catch up with high school friends: learning about their lives and new ventures was so much fun. It was wonderful to see how happy my father was with all three generations of our family being together for Christmas and New Year's.

So, here I was, felling battered and bruised and because I was trying so hard to keep from getting sucked into the negative void, I ended up creating a barrier that kept me from relaxing back into the lighter side of life.  I found myself more critical, very guarded and not at all joyful. I mean I had moments of  joy but the joy was so temporary.

I thought when I got back from the Philippines, I would re-center myself. I went to a weekend long dance festival to get some joy back. There certainly was that: it was such a joy to dance again and to get hugs and "we missed you!" from friends. I also had a chance to impact some people in a meaningful way by helping them to learn about kizomba. Their feedback on how I was able to make a difference was heartwarming.

Despite all this there was still something missing. I fell sick with the flu for about a week and then I'm not really sure what exactly happened, but something clicked.

Maybe the fever took with it some of the heaviness in my state of being. I finally was able to see that I was operating from a place that I didn't want to be in. I was interpreting everything based on not wanting to be hurt, not wanting to be confused and not wanting to be disappointed. In the end, I know something clicked when my friend made a suggestion that I could finally hear and absorb. The suggestion was to envision a future - no holds barred - of something that I wanted that would make me feel joyful again.

They say that you reflect back the fears that you have in your heart. If you approach something being fearful of getting hurt, you only see the hurt because you're watching out for it so carefully. I was stuck in this state and because I felt so "battered" I ended up curling into a ball and I couldn't see past where I was. Being in that moment was not the answer. So now, I'm finally able to let go of the hurt, disappointment and turn down my defensive mode so I can focus on stepping into an open canvas to start expressing my own truth and helping others find their happy path (with dancing feet whenever possible). 

Adventures in Nicaragua: Blessings From A Dancing Frontier

I've been teaching kizomba for almost three years now and while I don't have direct access to the roots of the dance being so far away from Angola and Portugal, I am still learning every time I dance and teach it.

Helping to grow the dance in Seattle has helped me learn so much beyond just dancing. I started out with a wish to have more people to dance kizomba with, to share why I love this dance so much with others, to learn from danceres that aspire to dance like or with and to be able to start teaching dance. The journey so far has opened up many opportunities and blessed me by crossing my path with so many generous and amazing people. I was at the forefront of this huge wave that still has all these rippling effects.

It hasn't been all goodness and light, there have been some hard lessons along the way which have helped me learn more about myself and how to deal with others who do not always share the same beliefs and work ethic.

I'm so lucky that I was able to experience being at the forefront again.

I was recently in Nicaragua for their Salsa Congress to teach and perform kizomba. It was a lovely experience. Most memorable because the people I met and taught and danced with were generous, grateful and hungry to dance.

I didn't know this before I went there: salsa, bachata and kizomba are all relatively young dances in Nicaragua. They have not been dancing salsa for a long time like we have here in the US. So, without realizing it, I had the pleasure of seeing and being a part of a growing and thriving dance scene for salsa, bachata and hopefully, kizomba.

In Nicaragua, salsa has not been around for very long. They are dominantly Casino (Cuban) style salsa dancers. Linear dancing (as they call it) or dancing on a slot is a new phenomenon for them. Its only been around about 3-5 years. Dancing on2 has only been around for the last few months! On top of that bachata is also new, maybe 1-2 years old. And Kizomba? Its brand spanking new. I had the privilege to be one of the first people to expose these dancers to this beautiful dance.

I was met with such welcome and generosity, it was impossible not to be infected by it. What I walked into is a community of dancers so hooked on dancing, so thirsty for it that their hunger to learn and desire to dance and joy in dance was like a splash of cold water in a hot, dry desert. Such a blessing to be a part of. It made me so thankful for the opportunity to help shape their dance experience. It wasn't just about introducing kizomba (which was so exciting in itself), It was also a gift to be a part of a community that just loves to dance.

It made me realize how easy it is to take for granted and how lucky I am that I have access to all this dancing here in Seattle, in the US. For them, they are just starting and so hungry for more. Its like being with kids and their unadulterated joy in discovery and play.

I could see them struggle with the differences in movement between salsa and kizomba. Some of them took to it right away, others were fighting against body movements that they just conditioned themselves to do.

I don't often like to claim responsibility for a lot of things that I do because they don't just involve me, they involve other people too. I do think of myself as a positive catalyst for change. The idea that I could influence someone else's dancing so that they eventually incorporate dance in to their lives and derive from it all its joys is just too cool for words. I love seeing people blossom through dance and its even more gratifying to be able to introduce it and plant dance seeds.

Signs

I'm a big believer in looking for signs.

If you've ever read The Alchemist by Paul Coelho, you'll know where I'm coming from.

[A quick side story about how I discovered the book and why it had such an impact on me.]
I read the book during a HUGE turning point in my life. This turning point occurred when I realized that something that I believed was impossible (as in "this would never happen to me") became possible. It made me ask "Are there other things that I thought were impossible that really are possible?"

Whoa.

That thought was like an explosion in my head. It blew away some walls that led me to explore art and travel and spend four months doing things that fell into the "its not important, I can do that later when I have time" category. Turns out those things are important and thank goodness I was in a mind space to realize it and do something about it. Since the, I've been breaking down my "impossible" barriers little by little.
[end side story]

Another thing that resonated so well with me from The Alchemist is encapsulated in this sentence:

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." 

The universe also sends you signs. What can be challenging is all this noise that can get in the way. The universe is screaming at you and you just can't hear from all the noise.

Signs are out there, you just have to be open to them. Like the song says:

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes 

I saw the sign 

Life is demanding without understanding 

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes 

I saw the sign 

No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong... 

But where do you belong? 

I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! 

Lately, I think the universe has been screaming at me and I've just now started to hear. I was finding myself in a bit of a rut. Nothing major but I was wallowing a little bit in my own little "woe is me" world and waiting for some savior to come charging in on a white horse to save me. 

Lots of lovely little things remind me that despite the difficulties I've experienced and my own personal drama (the stuff I create and succumb to every now and again), I do have the faith in myself and lots of love from friends and family to help me. Sure, I expect I'll lapse into "woe"dom every now and again, but I'll rebound a little quicker each time. 

I still want someone to come charging in on a white horse ... but not to save me, more to like swoop me up to ride the horse wherever I'm going or perhaps dismount to join me on whatever ride I'm on. Maybe, its more that I want someone to come riding in on a motorcycle (like the TRON cycle, ooo, how cool would that be?). Or, maybe, its more like I'm the one that's helping people to be open to the possibility of being swept off their feet and somewhere along the way, that special someone will join me in the dance.

I don't claim to have the answer because I believe, everyone has a different question that drives them. 

Its just like Curly says from the movie City Slickers::

Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is? [points index finger skyward] This.

Mitch: Your finger?

Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean shit.

Mitch: But, what is the "one thing?"

Curly: [smiles and points his finger at Mitch] That's what you have to find out.

I do believe that I have some experiences that I can share to help people find out what that question is for themselves so they can pursue the answer. It will come as no surprise if I tell you that sharing dance is a big part of that. I like the sound of  "changing your world, one dance at a time" 

I invite you to take a moment to engage in something that brings you joy or do something new to open up your mind to possibilities: to listen to the universe and the signs that are coming your way. 

Dancing to Me

I'm not the first to taut the benefits of dance, nor will I be the last. Dancing has been a source of a great many things to me, not the least of which is how it has helped me connect to myself. Through dance, I have grown in confidence and strength. Dancing has helped me develop a strong sense of self and has helped me understand how powerful it is to be able to let go and move my body to express what I feel when I am dancing to music.

When I dance, there is a purity of being fully present in the moment: of letting go of the normal analysis in my head and just reacting to and providing my own voice to a dance partnership that is set to music. Through dance I can be coy, I can be a diva, I can be a cool hipsta, I can be flirtatiously fun, I can be whoever I please. I can be close enough to hear someone's heartbeat and I can be far enough to let my feet jam along as part of the band. I can celebrate who I am and get immediate feedback about how fully and wholeheartedly my dance partner enjoys dancing with me.

Dance is sensual. The whole framework is setup based on touch, feeling and expression that's not taboo or awkward: just two people having fun together. Partner dancing allows us to communicate without words through our movements and our touch. Its powerful when there's a connection, when I feel that my partner and I are on the same wavelength. At the very least its two people sharing in the joy of movement through dance. At its best its a visceral interaction that makes me feel so vibrant and alive because in that brief moment of the song, my partner and I are fluidly moving together: as one, in response to one another. There is comfort in another person's embrace: I think everyone needs that kind of touch in their lives.

Sure, every now and again, there's a lemon or two: that interaction that's not quite so fun or satisfying. In the grand scheme of things though, I believe its all about the greater joy. One shouldn't let the lemon's dictate what's best for you. [I have more to say on this but another time.]

Dance is dynamic and fluid: I listen to the music that's playing, follow the leads that my partner initiates, make sure my own balance and response matches and move to the music. Think about how many synapses are firing just to make that all happen. Pretty brilliant if you ask me. Its like lighting up your brain and watching the fireworks fly!

Dance is so accessible, its always there for anyone to try. Just watch little babies and children as they respond to music: its a pretty primal instinct in all of us. Dance is ageless and crosses boundaries. Dance is in us, our blood moves to the pulse that's based on the beating of our heart. Its as simple as tapping your feet or bopping your head of the rhythm of the music.

I dance to free myself and to be in the moment. I dance to celebrate who I am and express what I feel in the music through movement in my body. I dance to celebrate the joy of being able to express with someone else what we hear in the music that we dance to.

I teach dance to help others get through that initial hurdle of learning to dance and to eventually see how much dancing can help them to be all that they can be.

Whoa... What's This?

I'm often surprised by my reaction when the things I wish for or imagine come true. Especially when they go my way or better. Instead of the "hip hip hooray!" there's a small voice in my head that says "Really? Is this really that good or am I missing the catch?"

This is a very different reaction from when I dance or when I used to compete in volleyball or when I make something on my own to give away or sell. When I win a tournament its easy to celebrate - there's no doubt about the victory. When I have a great dance the feedback is almost instantaneous so I ride that wave of  euphoria (a.k.a. dance high) without resistance.

There are those times, mostly when I'm wishing for something that's based on someone else's decision and not just mine, when I get what I wished for and instead of celebrating outright, I hear that voice of skepticism questioning and putting a bit of a damper on my celebrating.

That got me thinking: when did I start to doubt if something was too good to be true? I mean I wanted it and it happened so isn't that cause for celebration? I wonder if this reaction stems from self-preservation or is it some latent "worst case scenario" persona deep inside. Am I'm afraid of what might happen if I actually get what I want?

Being happily fun-employed allows me lots of luxuries that I probably take for granted that many people would envy. Little things like I get to sleep in whenever I want to and not have to worry about making some conference call that I don't really need to be there for at a crazy time of the day. I truly believe I'm living a life that most people would envy. I myself find it hard to believe. I know that I'm still figuring out what else to do to complete the picture but that's all part of the journey.

This past year has been punctuated by some serious personal events like the deterioration and restoration of my eye sight. I was ready to dive into exploring a new way of living and then all this stuff happened that is now (thankfully) resolved. Now that I have the energy to start exploring again, I'm realizing that I'm actually quite inexperienced with getting what I want.

I realized about 10 years ago that I was striving for goals and successes based on a model that my parents taught me while I was growing up. Its not a bad model, its just not the one I came up with. So, for a significant part of my impressionable years, I was basically going along, doing what my parents wanted and not really paying attention to what I wanted. Now that I'm focusing on building my own model, I realize that I'm just not as experienced in the successes within that model. I mean I can't just say "Well, mom and dad said this is right so its right."

I also have remnants of that "worst-case-scenario" voice from my upbringing. My parents meant for it to be a voice of reason to help guide me to make the right decisions. It has served me well so far but now I think I need to relax its application just a little bit. I should just celebrate those moments when what I wish for actually happens.

I'm getting there, old habits are hard to break. I'm afraid something will actually go terribly awry just to balance out what has been going very, very well. Luckily, my optimistic nature wins over in the end. Its lovely to just bask in the joy/excitement/satisfaction (whatever the positive feelings are) of a wonderful moment without doubts.

Yay!

Laughing Out Loud

I go on and on about dancing but today's post is dedicated to my niece and nephew: two bundles of joy who have made my life more vibrant and colorful by just being who they are.

Everyone who's been an aunt (or uncle) can relate to the joys of spending time with your nieces and nephews so what I'm about to share is no surprise. I have often told my sister how thankful I am that she and her husband brought these two wonderful kids into my life. I have enjoyed and continue to experience unbridled fun and laughter through the eyes of my niece and nephew.

I'm not sure about the science of it all but I'm pretty sure that everyone should have the chance to reconnect with how kids play and have fun. I can't even remember exactly what these kids have said or done but I do remember just laughing out loud so much that my sides hurt. When did we loose that as adults?

A trip to shop for some beauty accessories turned in to an adventure in makeovers for my niece and nephew - who knew it would be so much fun? Going to a store like Sephora for most of us women is like being in a candy store: so many things to try, free advice and of course, easy access to small things to play with. Well, apparently for my niece and nephew, the same is true. They didn't really know what things were for, but they like to draw and so seeing the brushes and pads next to open palettes of eye shadow and lip stick was like being in an art class. Both of them were curious about what everything was for. To demonstrate, I explained about the makeover and what eye shadow and lipstick are for and  gave my niece a taste for adult face painting. My nephew wanted in on the fun but I told him I'd just put a dot on his forehead.

After cleaning their faces, I started to shop for my own stuff. All I did was turn away for a few seconds. I hear them laughing and when I looked back at them I can see that they have smeared lipstick all over their face and mouth. In each hand they had tissues and were trying to wipe stuff off. They were laughing at each other and just making a mess of the makeup on their faces. I really wish I remembered to take a picture but I laughed so hard while trying to take the makeup off their faces. They also had small plush toys (microbes - plush microbes) with them so after cleaning them up, and letting them each take a few of the applicators, they then started to give their plush toys makeovers:  "Ok Coldie (aka the cold virus), we're going to put some eye shadow on you now."

I still have a big smile on my face when I think about it. I know you probably had to be there to really understand how much fun it was. These moments that make you laugh out loud are the moments to really remember and celebrate.

Microbe makeovers - I love it!