Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Whoa... What's This?

I'm often surprised by my reaction when the things I wish for or imagine come true. Especially when they go my way or better. Instead of the "hip hip hooray!" there's a small voice in my head that says "Really? Is this really that good or am I missing the catch?"

This is a very different reaction from when I dance or when I used to compete in volleyball or when I make something on my own to give away or sell. When I win a tournament its easy to celebrate - there's no doubt about the victory. When I have a great dance the feedback is almost instantaneous so I ride that wave of  euphoria (a.k.a. dance high) without resistance.

There are those times, mostly when I'm wishing for something that's based on someone else's decision and not just mine, when I get what I wished for and instead of celebrating outright, I hear that voice of skepticism questioning and putting a bit of a damper on my celebrating.

That got me thinking: when did I start to doubt if something was too good to be true? I mean I wanted it and it happened so isn't that cause for celebration? I wonder if this reaction stems from self-preservation or is it some latent "worst case scenario" persona deep inside. Am I'm afraid of what might happen if I actually get what I want?

Being happily fun-employed allows me lots of luxuries that I probably take for granted that many people would envy. Little things like I get to sleep in whenever I want to and not have to worry about making some conference call that I don't really need to be there for at a crazy time of the day. I truly believe I'm living a life that most people would envy. I myself find it hard to believe. I know that I'm still figuring out what else to do to complete the picture but that's all part of the journey.

This past year has been punctuated by some serious personal events like the deterioration and restoration of my eye sight. I was ready to dive into exploring a new way of living and then all this stuff happened that is now (thankfully) resolved. Now that I have the energy to start exploring again, I'm realizing that I'm actually quite inexperienced with getting what I want.

I realized about 10 years ago that I was striving for goals and successes based on a model that my parents taught me while I was growing up. Its not a bad model, its just not the one I came up with. So, for a significant part of my impressionable years, I was basically going along, doing what my parents wanted and not really paying attention to what I wanted. Now that I'm focusing on building my own model, I realize that I'm just not as experienced in the successes within that model. I mean I can't just say "Well, mom and dad said this is right so its right."

I also have remnants of that "worst-case-scenario" voice from my upbringing. My parents meant for it to be a voice of reason to help guide me to make the right decisions. It has served me well so far but now I think I need to relax its application just a little bit. I should just celebrate those moments when what I wish for actually happens.

I'm getting there, old habits are hard to break. I'm afraid something will actually go terribly awry just to balance out what has been going very, very well. Luckily, my optimistic nature wins over in the end. Its lovely to just bask in the joy/excitement/satisfaction (whatever the positive feelings are) of a wonderful moment without doubts.


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