Dancing to Me

I'm not the first to taut the benefits of dance, nor will I be the last. Dancing has been a source of a great many things to me, not the least of which is how it has helped me connect to myself. Through dance, I have grown in confidence and strength. Dancing has helped me develop a strong sense of self and has helped me understand how powerful it is to be able to let go and move my body to express what I feel when I am dancing to music.

When I dance, there is a purity of being fully present in the moment: of letting go of the normal analysis in my head and just reacting to and providing my own voice to a dance partnership that is set to music. Through dance I can be coy, I can be a diva, I can be a cool hipsta, I can be flirtatiously fun, I can be whoever I please. I can be close enough to hear someone's heartbeat and I can be far enough to let my feet jam along as part of the band. I can celebrate who I am and get immediate feedback about how fully and wholeheartedly my dance partner enjoys dancing with me.

Dance is sensual. The whole framework is setup based on touch, feeling and expression that's not taboo or awkward: just two people having fun together. Partner dancing allows us to communicate without words through our movements and our touch. Its powerful when there's a connection, when I feel that my partner and I are on the same wavelength. At the very least its two people sharing in the joy of movement through dance. At its best its a visceral interaction that makes me feel so vibrant and alive because in that brief moment of the song, my partner and I are fluidly moving together: as one, in response to one another. There is comfort in another person's embrace: I think everyone needs that kind of touch in their lives.

Sure, every now and again, there's a lemon or two: that interaction that's not quite so fun or satisfying. In the grand scheme of things though, I believe its all about the greater joy. One shouldn't let the lemon's dictate what's best for you. [I have more to say on this but another time.]

Dance is dynamic and fluid: I listen to the music that's playing, follow the leads that my partner initiates, make sure my own balance and response matches and move to the music. Think about how many synapses are firing just to make that all happen. Pretty brilliant if you ask me. Its like lighting up your brain and watching the fireworks fly!

Dance is so accessible, its always there for anyone to try. Just watch little babies and children as they respond to music: its a pretty primal instinct in all of us. Dance is ageless and crosses boundaries. Dance is in us, our blood moves to the pulse that's based on the beating of our heart. Its as simple as tapping your feet or bopping your head of the rhythm of the music.

I dance to free myself and to be in the moment. I dance to celebrate who I am and express what I feel in the music through movement in my body. I dance to celebrate the joy of being able to express with someone else what we hear in the music that we dance to.

I teach dance to help others get through that initial hurdle of learning to dance and to eventually see how much dancing can help them to be all that they can be.

Whoa... What's This?

I'm often surprised by my reaction when the things I wish for or imagine come true. Especially when they go my way or better. Instead of the "hip hip hooray!" there's a small voice in my head that says "Really? Is this really that good or am I missing the catch?"

This is a very different reaction from when I dance or when I used to compete in volleyball or when I make something on my own to give away or sell. When I win a tournament its easy to celebrate - there's no doubt about the victory. When I have a great dance the feedback is almost instantaneous so I ride that wave of  euphoria (a.k.a. dance high) without resistance.

There are those times, mostly when I'm wishing for something that's based on someone else's decision and not just mine, when I get what I wished for and instead of celebrating outright, I hear that voice of skepticism questioning and putting a bit of a damper on my celebrating.

That got me thinking: when did I start to doubt if something was too good to be true? I mean I wanted it and it happened so isn't that cause for celebration? I wonder if this reaction stems from self-preservation or is it some latent "worst case scenario" persona deep inside. Am I'm afraid of what might happen if I actually get what I want?

Being happily fun-employed allows me lots of luxuries that I probably take for granted that many people would envy. Little things like I get to sleep in whenever I want to and not have to worry about making some conference call that I don't really need to be there for at a crazy time of the day. I truly believe I'm living a life that most people would envy. I myself find it hard to believe. I know that I'm still figuring out what else to do to complete the picture but that's all part of the journey.

This past year has been punctuated by some serious personal events like the deterioration and restoration of my eye sight. I was ready to dive into exploring a new way of living and then all this stuff happened that is now (thankfully) resolved. Now that I have the energy to start exploring again, I'm realizing that I'm actually quite inexperienced with getting what I want.

I realized about 10 years ago that I was striving for goals and successes based on a model that my parents taught me while I was growing up. Its not a bad model, its just not the one I came up with. So, for a significant part of my impressionable years, I was basically going along, doing what my parents wanted and not really paying attention to what I wanted. Now that I'm focusing on building my own model, I realize that I'm just not as experienced in the successes within that model. I mean I can't just say "Well, mom and dad said this is right so its right."

I also have remnants of that "worst-case-scenario" voice from my upbringing. My parents meant for it to be a voice of reason to help guide me to make the right decisions. It has served me well so far but now I think I need to relax its application just a little bit. I should just celebrate those moments when what I wish for actually happens.

I'm getting there, old habits are hard to break. I'm afraid something will actually go terribly awry just to balance out what has been going very, very well. Luckily, my optimistic nature wins over in the end. Its lovely to just bask in the joy/excitement/satisfaction (whatever the positive feelings are) of a wonderful moment without doubts.

Yay!

Laughing Out Loud

I go on and on about dancing but today's post is dedicated to my niece and nephew: two bundles of joy who have made my life more vibrant and colorful by just being who they are.

Everyone who's been an aunt (or uncle) can relate to the joys of spending time with your nieces and nephews so what I'm about to share is no surprise. I have often told my sister how thankful I am that she and her husband brought these two wonderful kids into my life. I have enjoyed and continue to experience unbridled fun and laughter through the eyes of my niece and nephew.

I'm not sure about the science of it all but I'm pretty sure that everyone should have the chance to reconnect with how kids play and have fun. I can't even remember exactly what these kids have said or done but I do remember just laughing out loud so much that my sides hurt. When did we loose that as adults?

A trip to shop for some beauty accessories turned in to an adventure in makeovers for my niece and nephew - who knew it would be so much fun? Going to a store like Sephora for most of us women is like being in a candy store: so many things to try, free advice and of course, easy access to small things to play with. Well, apparently for my niece and nephew, the same is true. They didn't really know what things were for, but they like to draw and so seeing the brushes and pads next to open palettes of eye shadow and lip stick was like being in an art class. Both of them were curious about what everything was for. To demonstrate, I explained about the makeover and what eye shadow and lipstick are for and  gave my niece a taste for adult face painting. My nephew wanted in on the fun but I told him I'd just put a dot on his forehead.

After cleaning their faces, I started to shop for my own stuff. All I did was turn away for a few seconds. I hear them laughing and when I looked back at them I can see that they have smeared lipstick all over their face and mouth. In each hand they had tissues and were trying to wipe stuff off. They were laughing at each other and just making a mess of the makeup on their faces. I really wish I remembered to take a picture but I laughed so hard while trying to take the makeup off their faces. They also had small plush toys (microbes - plush microbes) with them so after cleaning them up, and letting them each take a few of the applicators, they then started to give their plush toys makeovers:  "Ok Coldie (aka the cold virus), we're going to put some eye shadow on you now."

I still have a big smile on my face when I think about it. I know you probably had to be there to really understand how much fun it was. These moments that make you laugh out loud are the moments to really remember and celebrate.

Microbe makeovers - I love it!

Ok, I'll Stop Fighting

I still rejoice in my new found eye sight tho there are some repercussions that I'm dealing with which have been challenging in their own right. I feel like a spoiled, petulant child for writing about it - especially since I've been blessed with new lenses to end my temporary blurry blindness.

I've basically been sleep deprived for the last three months with pockets of sleep drunkenness (ie: crashing and sleeping for 10+ hours straight). I've been fighting this battle on two fronts: trying to sleep earlier (yes, yes, I'm a night owl) and waking up earlier (so that I don't feel like a total slug). While I've been enjoying my life with some great weekend workshops, teaching, practicing and completing projects that I've left alone because of bad eyes, the lack of sleep has been taking its toll: eyes always puffy, lethargic, lack luster, weight gain, etc.

The effects of  a drug that I took while recovering from cataract surgery have lingered a bit. Its almost impossible for me to fall asleep before 4am. Yes, yes, I do all my activities at night: teach dance, dance, hang out with friends, etc. so I do know about the whole "it takes time to wind down". I usually end my activities by 1:00am and the 2 - 3 hour winding down bit is borderline ridiculous. I've tried boring television, boring reading, meditation, hot milk, herbal teas, magnesium, melatonin, benadryl (ugh, I hate waking up feeling like lead) and none of them have really been helping. Each night has seemed like a two hour battle and then I set my alarm to wake up at a "decent" hour (aka before noon) to assuage my need to be productive during the day.

The results have been that I am tired and constantly needing a nap. My energy levels are down to red and despite the fact that I still go dancing almost every night, I'm motivated to do less and less. 

I'm not sure why, but last night something clicked. It finally occurred to me to stop fighting. I had nothing planned for the next day (today) until the late afternoon so why not just sleep whenever I sleep and get up whenever I get up and see what happens. 

I slept for 8 hours straight. 

[insert angelic chorus rejoicing in song]

I ate "breakfast" at 3:00 pm and feel well rested and ready to go. Its a beautiful day out so after I complete this article, I'm going to sit in the sun before I head out to teach and practice mambo. 

A part of me is saying "DUH!" I'm wondering why it took me this long to realize that its more important for me to get enough sleep and not when or how long I sleep. I'm lucky enough that I don't have to worry about getting up to go somewhere, I'm still living my fun-employed life, and since the days are getting longer and the sun is out longer, who cares if I wake up at 10:00am or 1:00pm? 

Here's another toast to not fighting. I think the Borg had it right: resistance is futile. There are things worth fighting for and one shouldn't just "give up" when challenges arise but for a lot of things in life, when there's resistance, it usually means having to let go of something to move forward. 

It occurs to me that this is also why I find following in dance so refreshing. I still have to use my brain to tell me what to do when I feel a lead but there's a very visceral sense that I've developed over time as a follow. Its a sense that allows me to maintain just the right amount of tension so that I do not feel resistance in the arms of my dance partner and we flow through the dance as the music guides us. 

I digress a bit. I'll talk more about that later. For now, no more fighting, I'm looking forward to being well rested. 

Somebody Pinch Me!

The past few days have been as crazy as this windy, blustery day.

I'm still adjusting to the new lens in my eyes. What a joy it was to chop up basil for my salad at normal speed. I don't have to go slow and worry about slicing my finger off. I still can't stop smiling.

The only downside is that the Prednesone that I'm taking is making me a bit over-amped, hungry and not sleepy. Apparently taking the pills a second time around is affecting me more than it did back in January. I feel so wired, its like a cartoon. Thankfully I'm tapering off so I know things will settle back to normal.

In the meantime, its just hitting me that a dream of mine that I've been hatching for the last three years is actually happening this weekend: one more day.

About three years ago, I learned about a dance called kizomba (from Angola, danced to kizomba music) and fell in love with it. I started to learn it with the hope that one day, I might be able to teach it to others and help the dance spread. At the time I was starting to look for opportunities to teach dancing. Dance as given me so much as far as confidence, fun and personal growth that I wanted to be able to share it with as many people as I could. Teaching kizomba seemed to be the way to do that.

When I started down this road, I started to imagine what it would be like in a few years: what would it would look like to "spread" the word on kizomba. I envisioned classes (I now teach at the Century Ballroom  - check!), classes at a congress (I taught at the 2012 Seattle Salsa Congress check!), visiting instructors (I've brought lots of them over starting last year - check!) and a weekend camp that would simulate my ideal learning environment: getting together with dancers who are just as crazy about the dance and being taught by an amazing instructional team in an integrated manner, not separate classes.

Jump forward to the now and here I am, ready for Seattle Kizomba Semba Camp that starts Friday March 22, 2013.

Can I get a "WHOO - HOO!" ?

Its, like, surreal.

There are 65 camp registrants and I have a great crew of folks helping me over the weekend. My check list for today is done and though there's more to do, I'm taking this moment to enjoy the excitement. Not only is this dream of mine coming true but I've got so much pent up energy from Prednesone and resting after the surgery, I'm busting out.

YES!!!!!

The instructors will be coming in tomorrow and starting Friday I'll be submerged in the camp for four days and I can't wait to spend it with my growing kizomba family.

Ready. Set. Go!

For more about Kizomba in Seattle, check the blog and the facebook group page.

Seeing Clearly with BOTH Eyes

Hurrah! Round two of my cataract surgery was completed today and while I'm not totally in the clear I feel like a new person AGAIN.

I know it sounds cliche and I know I had to deal with the blurry vision but this is simply an amazing experience that I wish everyone could experience without the stressful and threatening side of things. Seeing the world through a clear lens (even though I will still need reading glasses and anti-reflective glare protection) is a miracle. There's is a lot you take for granted when its right there - especially what you see. I never new how clear things could look until now.

Since this was my second time through the surgery, I knew the routine for the preparations: three questions (about phones, weapons and medical marijuana), lots of drops to dilate and numb, marking my eye lids to help with the procedure, instructions for post surgery and follow and finally, the doping lollipop to get me chilled out.  [Read about my first time with cataract surgery here.]

My right eye's vision prior to operating was better then my left eye's vision so while things were blurry, I could still make things out. Looking through my right eye was like looking through a piece of 50% translucent plastic. I was able to see the light bulb shining in my eyes and the doctor's hands as he brought instruments over to my eyes to work on them. I won't get into the nitty gritty details but it was harder to keep calm when I could see thing coming at me, no matter how blurry they were. With my left eye it was just white lite an then sensations when my surgeon was working, I think I preferred that to what I went through today (not that I'm complaining either way).

I was more aware of the sounds in the room and the pressure from the instruments as my surgeon worked his magic. I could see some colors: red (which I assume as blood since a cut had to be made - it washed away quickly) and blue (which is a dye I think they use). I really appreciated the cooling sensation when they hydrated my eyes as the operation progressed. This time I was aware of sutures being place, that was a little unnerving since I could imagine what was happening.

The blood pressure device was a life saver - being able to focus on that and my breathing was really helpful. As I said from the first time, even though I knew there would be no pain, its really hard to relax when you feel the pressure on your eyes as work is being done. My shoulders still feel the pinch as I think about it. I would highly recommend learning about breathing exercises: focusing on the breath really helped me a LOT.

When all was said and done, I was still amazed. when I sat up. That amazement melted away all the tension and discomfort from the procedure. While it wasn't as epic as when my left eye could see clearly, I still gained another level of clarity and that nagging blurriness is now gone - amazing! I'm still smiling. The clarity with which I see things (even though they are sometimes unfocused because of my aging eye muscles) is just a joy to me - its priceless.

Tomorrow I go to see the surgeon for a follow up and then a week of rest and 6 weeks of various levels of eye drops and more doctor visits and reading glasses.

What a trip its been and I'm so looking forward to enjoying these lenses in my eyes.

Its OK to Say NO

Why is it so hard to say "No"? I thought I'd just share my reflections and conclusions.

I've been finding myself in situations where I've had difficulty saying "no". These are not your obvious "no" situations like when someone asks "would you like to jump off the roof?" (NO. Thank you!). These are situations where someone is making a request of me or I am working with someone to come to  mutual agreement on something.

Upon reflection, I discovered that my difficulty with "no" comes from two things.

One is a simple logic chain: no is negative, negative is bad and so, no is bad. The second is rooted my desire to please people and avoid conflict whenever possible without having to compromise my own values and needs.

It is easy enough to objectively refute the logic chain. I realize that the fallacy lies in the statement that "negative is bad". I'm not sure when I started to associate being negative with being bad - that thought just feels like it was in my head from something long ago. I can't dive into the psychology of it but I do know its not true. Negative is simply the opposite of positive. 

The second part of my difficulty with saying 'no' is a little trickier. Its like having to break a tug of war inside myself.

Having to say no is often times accompanied by an interaction that is so opposite to what I expect. When things happen out of left field its usually because I still haven't fully embraced the fact that people are driven by different things and have their own goals to accomplish. When I encounter this, I try to apply my own reasoning to explain what just happened. I forget that not everyone operates from the same root and not everyone's objectives and goals are the same as mine. When I forget, I start to assign right or wrong to the situation based on my values.

So when I find myself in situations where my first reaction is anger or indignation or even unpleasant surprise (as in coming out of left field), I apply my reasoning and I get righteous. This strong reaction eventually makes me think that perhaps I'm the one being selfish and unreasonable and I start to second guess myself. This begins a personal tug of war where I get all wrapped up in the "me" part of things. My need to feel validated ends up at war with my need to be right and I end up feeling like I'm in quicksand.

Lucky for me, I have friends and family that help to remind me that its not quicksand, its just a muddy, messy pit that I've stepped into. I may end up feeling dirty from all the mud after I get out, and that's ok. Once I make that shift, I return to thinking about my intentions and goals and I'm not just reacting to save my pride or be right or get caught up in someone else's model of what's right.

Saying no is still hard and I can't say that I've always done it gracefully but each time it happens I get less tied up in my personal tug of war and its gets a little easier.